What is Independence?

So being abroad does teach you things, at least it's teaching me tons. I briefly wrote about my internal tussle about independence, and it has still been lingering around. How would you define being independent? To be able to live in another country without relying on anyone? To be able to live away from home and still be steel strong? What is being independent for you?


Just yesterday I sat myself down to have a little reflection of what I have done within the past few months of my life, specifically looking at the time around post-college life to the present. This is when 'photos of me' on Facebook came in handy. I can safely say I am satisfied and pleased with all that I have done, not that I would have said any different if it were any less or more anyway. Although I think that whole reflective process of going through photographs is emotional, it was also uplifting. It served as a glimmer of hope, that I could do anything I have done in the past because I have proven to myself that it is doable. All I have to do is choose to commit and do it.


However, the twist comes when emotions and feelings pours in. I attended a recent talk that mentioned, "When you are too emotionally attached to a person, your judgments are bound to be less neutral". Whatever the emotions may be, both positive and negative, it will be inclined to create a sense of bias, or at least the possibility of it.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Perhaps I am mentally exhausted after today, perhaps I am conceptualising too much, or maybe I am just rambling my scribbles, but I've been happy. The kind of happy that makes me smile when I walk under the Sun, the kind of happy that makes me write little notes in lecture only to send it to the person I'm thinking of, the kind of happy that makes me cuddle up under the warmth of the comforter, the kind of happy that makes me look forward to waking up in the morning, the kind of happy that makes me smile just because.

I hope the happiness spreads to you too, dear readers.

:)

Loves,

Ee Ping

Read more...

The Mind Game.

How easily do you find yourself slipping into feeling all-so-sorry for yourself, seeing other people with someone else, seeing friends altogether, seeing people having someone else, and feeling like you are, as the recent hash tag called it #ForeverAlone?

I would like to think that I am of an independent nature, without the need for someone constantly, but still loving the company. That is obviously a wishful thought, an ideal self - but we all know that reality sometimes deviates from the envisioned world in the mind.

At this point in time, the most accurate description of my life would be the word 'flux'. It feels to me like my conscious choices are present, but not all the time. I have moments of vulnerability where fear takes over, when negativity overwhelms and I give in. On the other hand, I would have extremely clear moments of strength, faith and clarity, so much so that I can do anything - like shaving my head bald.

I vividly remember reflecting back on the "self" I was when I was bald, that sense of bravery, strength, faith, the absolute trust in the power greater than myself, the superhero power I call it. To think that I was able to walk in public, feeling on top of the world with a shiny, bald head makes me remember that I was once that clear, and there's no reason for me not to get back to that 'self'.

It is all a matter of choice, I know. I'd like to think I know the theories, the concepts, the "right" thing to do, but living it, putting those theories into practice in real life is the real deal. I know I am somewhat getting there. All I lack right now is consistency.

One step at a time, Ee Ping.

Little by little, we'll get there.

It is not a destination, it is a journey.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Read more...

Grateful.

Today, it is all about grace. I have so much to be thankful for, and I know gratefulness is an everyday, every moment, on going process. Funny how I have "more" to be thankful for when the things I perceive as good happens, and "less" when things I perceive to be negative happens. All in all, everything serves. Good or bad, it is all a matter of perception. Simply because everything is used as a tool to teach, and I learn with every moment of every day.

I had been in anticipation of my exam results the whole of yesterday. Funnily, I even got Mummy excited about it along the way! It was a hilarious scene when Doreen called telling me that exam results are out, and I ended up shrieking on the phone when the page loaded. Well, if you read and remember, I had an exam to sit for on the day after I landed back here in the UK from home. Truth be told, I studied on the plane - that is the only time I am thankful that the journey time was 24 hours. I refused to touch any books of any sort whilst I was at home, immersing myself in the whole presence of being home. I divided my time, in other words, I managed my time. I am so thankful that it paid off and I pulled through. Semester 1 has revealed itself. I will work harder for Semester 2, that is a promise.

In Daddy's words,

"It's good that your involvement in sports help to find a good balance with your studies, otherwise you will fall into the category of "nerd"."

I have a funny Daddy, he cracks me up.

I would have probably said this once before; more often than not, it is not so much the sport that is enjoyable, but the company that comes along with it. Good friends that I come to meet and make with sports, the chatters and time spent together; that is the most distinctive feature of sports that I love most. The muscle aches and body pains are nothing compared to the friendships. Such love.

Thank you, God.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Read more...

Physical & Emotional Clutter.

How often do you clear your space?

Be it physical or emotional, I'd think my soul could do with some spring cleaning - whether or not it is spring, winter or autumn. Recently, I submitted to some down time having myself caught up with the complicated web of emotions, egocentric trickery and the victim play. Trust me, when I am feeling terrible, it doesn't help that I feel bad for myself. I am my own saviour - or at least besides the choice of turning to the power greater than myself.

Recently I found myself misplacing things in my room. Mind you, the room I currently share with a roommate on campus is nothing close to big, especially since the room space is split into two halves. I can't see myself misplacing things when I don't have that much space to misplace it in the first place, but I evidently proved myself wrong. Besides a pair of gloves, I "misplaced" 4 SD memory cards in the room after failing to find it after coming back from Dublin, Ireland (which I shall talk about shortly). I knew that it was somewhere in the room because it was exactly where I had left it, but my mind had been too clouded with distracting emotions and thoughts that I could barely reflect a day before, what more a few days.

Tony, Tony turn around.

Something's lost and must be found.

"Misplacing" the memory cards was the last straw. I knew I needed to act on it. Something was amiss, and I knew it was me. I decided to take a whole day off, listened to Deva Premal and Miten's In The Light of Love on repeat, reflected my days, my moments, my judgments, surrender my self and gave myself time to de-clutter, not just physical things in the room (of which I ended up tossing out a whole bag of things) but also my emotions. I needed an outlet to let go and drain out the emotions that were not serving me. Previously, sports used to be the thing, and then it was photography. I guess I have reached a stage of realisation that by being still, it is also a form of release if I choose to make it so. And if you're wondering, I did find the memory cards. I had successfully hid it from myself.

I am a choice away from joy and peace. A choice.

The few days in Dublin, Ireland demonstrated adventure, trust and surrender. It was not just any getaway, it was a lesson-filled trip. I had gotten to know Magdalena through Twitter in the recent months and knew that she is a life coach on Embracing Your Inner Self, but that was as much as I knew. When I spontaneously decided to head to Dublin, she welcomed me with open arms to her home in Clontarf where I got to know her husband, Rafal. The conversations we shared were mind blowing. I may have shared that kind of depth with a friend once before, but with a total stranger made friend, this was a first. The global geographical boundaries are as good as non-existent as of now. The trip stands proof to it.

With Rafal and Magdalena.

The story doesn't end there though. Rafal and Magdalena were not the only people I met in Dublin whom I have not met in person before this. Amy was another. I had heard tons about her as she happens to be a sister of a close friend back home. Despite knowing her parents and sister, it's funny how I never seem to have saw her photograph once before, hence not knowing how she looks. But when we met, boy did we chat it up! Let's just say that like-minded people do linger together. The mighty one up there is navigating me towards meeting many amazing souls, I believe. I am gratefully enjoying every bit of it (even though I don't appear so in the photograph below!)

With Magdalena and Amy.

Well, not all was foreign on this trip as I met up with an ex-athletic mate back from my high school days. It's amazing how many Malaysians there are abroad studying right this very moment. It's no wonder the country is concerned about the brain drain we face back home - it takes two to make it work nonetheless. I'm not going to say more. Meeting Melissa in Dublin was a refreshing scent of home, meeting anyone from home always it. When Melissa found out that I was staying with a friend I met for the first time and catching up with another whom I have not met, it was her reaction that sparked a thought in my mind that sounded something like, "Oh boy, I have never really thought of it that way. God is great to have aligned everything that way isn't it?" I am ever thankful. Ever grateful.

With Melissa.

On that note, I am signing off on a beautiful Valentine's Night. I spent my day cooking up pasta for the first time (finally giving it a go after resisting it for months), cooked a bowl of chicken porridge that tasted way better than expected for dinner, kick started Semester 2 - the second half of my first year in university, and the highlight of my day; pouring my heart out to Mummy having her remind me about so much that I have forgotten. It never fails to baffle me, the kind of strength she has, to still love me after all the years of horror I had put her through as a rebellious teenager. We are in the midst of planning for her month's getaway here in the UK; a week in Germany, a week in Paris are in the book. I am excited to have her here! Looking forward to showing her the life I live here - I even have a little countdown on the wall calendar, crossing out the days till she's here. I feel like a little excited child, and all is well.

Be happy rather than right, she says.

My Valentine this year; Mummy.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Read more...

Dipping In and Out.

Homesickness has never been something I expected to be easy. It was easy to say that it is a choice - no doubt, it is, but the fact that when I am smack in the situation to face it, hope is all I hang on to. Ever since my return to the UK, the first thing I had as a welcome back gift was an exam which was then followed by four days in London attending the UKEC's Projek Amanat Negara. I played it in my mind, that if I were to keep myself busy, I would not have the time to submit to the emotional game of homesickness, not at least till I was done with my exams come 7th of February. Well, in the words of my God Mum, "Human plan, God laughs."

The very day I returned to campus from London, I found myself curled up in bed shedding tears. I would like to think it was homesickness combined with a whole load of stress, anxiety and a sense of sudden loneliness. Though I must say, all of it was played in my mind. A close friend reminded me that it was alright to cry, that I would feel better after crying it all out - though my tear glands demonstrated what seemed to be an unlimited supply of tears. It was as easy to come back out of the tears as it was to fall back into it, if you know what I mean. It was not a one-stop thing. It was not a decision to say that, "Okay, I cry now, and I'll be alright for the next few days, let alone months."

A friend sparked off a thought, "What was it about the people at home that I missed?" Parts of me knew that the answer was attachment, parts of me deliberately wanted to deny it. If you have been reading through the years, you would have known by now that one of my biggest challenge yet is attachment, particularly attachment to people. Despite being a sister who tended to argue with my brother almost every odd day, despite being a daughter who tended to disobey my parents from time to time, their company was one I missed the most. I wouldn't say that they complete me, because I know that we are all complete individuals on our own, but their presence, be it laughs or nonsensical arguments, it was missed. I reckon it was the absent sense of being a family that made me realise how much I took them for granted when I was around for the past 20 years, and also, it was that very absence that made me treasure them even more when I went home.

I count my blessings that through this vicious roller coaster of emotions, friends have been like guardians of my heart, seeing me through step by step, cautiously - whether knowing or unknowingly checking on me from time to time. Distance doesn't just make the heart grow fonder, it makes friendship bonds tighter. I have moments where I hold so much anger for being away, so much resentment for flying half way around the world to get an education I could probably get somewhere closer to home, but when conscience blankets my mind, I realise that this experience is a gift without a price tag on it. I constantly remind myself of the opportunity I am being given, the chance of a lifetime as some would put it.

I treasure this experience, please don't get me wrong. All the same, I acknowledge the feelings of missing home, of missing the people I hold dear in my heart, of missing the glorious food, of missing the life I live back in Malaysia. Nonetheless, I believe that these feelings and emotions contribute towards the growth of studying abroad altogether. People say that when you leave home to a foreign land to pursue your studies, you grow. I presume that this process dipping in and out of homesickness itself is a lesson, a lesson of how to deal with living independently, both physically and emotionally.

I choose to be open to all lessons, because whatever God gives me as a lesson, it is only because God believes that I have it in me to learn and overcome it. I am given not what I want, but what I need. Right now, I need to learn the art of letting go while holding on.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Read more...

Nothing can Compare.

Before I know it, I am back in the land of the English, typing these words out.

Time, as expected has passed superbly quickly.

Perhaps happiness does literally speed up time,

or perhaps my mind is playing tricks on me again, as always.

Huee family Christmas trip in Gopeng.

When I arrived home, my family surprised me with my face-lifted room, cladded with new silk sheets, followed by the "shrine of achievement" with my trophies and medals polished and arranged chronologically, to my fixed up Ikea shelf; it felt like I had never left.

The days passed so quickly. I did lose myself to the sense of presence at several points in time. It was a challenge to have my mind and self in the present moment when I knew I was leaving yet again, but it was a challenge I was not willing to give in to. My mind wandered away from time to time, but I constantly battled the fear of absence. Nothing is quite like being around loved ones physically, though I know that theoretically, minds and hearts are joined, bodies aren't.


From spending precious time with the family, to late night chatters with Daddy downstairs, from sending the brother to school, to seeing him fall asleep on the table at the mamak stall, from driving Mummy around for errands, to babysitting the house with Allie, and from all the brunches, lunches, teas and dinners with beloved friends, to now being back in the UK alone; I must say, I really do enjoy company better - at times.

Who would miss out on the glorious food spread in Malaysia, not to mention the most scrumptious dishes by Daddy's family nyonya tradition? Although the food was one of the main attractions (and the weight gain), I cannot say this enough; the people mattered most.

With that, I am now off to a study marathon as exams are on today and the 7th of February. I would truly appreciate it if you keep me in your prayers. Here is to a lovely Chinese/Lunar New Year!

P.S.

I miss all the Chinese New Year songs playing in shopping malls, restaurants and even mamak stalls. There's just nothing like good ol' Malaysia.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Read more...

Home.

There is something about going home this winter break. There is so much that I have come to realise within the mere few months that I have been in the UK for my first semester of university. I guess I could say that I somehow knew going abroad for a stint of time would teach me loads, but I never expected this sense of growth. Sitting in the airplane, looking out the window, seeing the magnificent beauty of nature, the mountains, the ocean, the clouds, the sky, it made me smile at the amazing reality that I have a gorgeous family waiting to receive me back at home.

Just the other day, a Coca-Cola commercial went viral on Facebook. For the benefit of those who did not watch it, it was about how Coca-Cola sponsored a few lucky Filipinos who has not been home in years, and when I mean years I mean decades, to go home and spend Christmas with their families. They spent their time working abroad in a foreign land for the sake of their family’s hope for a better future, some to fund their children, some to send money back to their families. I had the privilege of growing up with housekeepers in my life, through my 20 years of life; we have had housekeepers as part of our family from Philippines, Indonesia, and recently, Cambodia. Sensibly, I knew that they were going through a tough time having been away from their family to be with mine. I remember how Aunty Minda, our Filipino housekeeper went through a rough patch having to deal with a sound argument about how she’s being away from her daughter to raise someone else’s child when her own birth child was growing up. Her name is Rena; we are of the same age. I am glad we still keep in touch to date. I cannot say with complete certainty that I understand the pain of her mother’s absence, but I can say that I have a better grasp of that feeling having to leave home.

I was walking back from town one of the days last week, in the pre-winter weather with layers of clothes over me. I walked past a home, and saw a family sitting together on the dining table sharing laughter over a meal. It did invoke certain emotions in me. I remember Mummy constantly reminding me of what I told her as a little child, “Families who eat together stays together.” She never forgot. Neither did I. That is why our family would do whatever it takes to have dinner together as often as possible. Even if it meant to just be seated on the same table without conversation at all, the company was what we look forward to, really.

Admittedly, the amount of communication I have with my family back home since I started university in the UK has rose tremendously. I guess the saying it true after all; distance does make the heart grow fonder. I would find myself in front of the laptop talking to Mummy on Skype when she wakes up in the morning, once even sacrificing a warm shower (because the hot water turns off after midnight) to talk to her and listen to her updates. I realise too, how technology is such a significant tool for communication, the ease of access, the affordability, the instant ability to communicate from a different continent of the world; I really must thank the fathers of technology.

There was that one conversation I had with Mummy before I bought my air ticket home that stuck in my mind. She asked, “Why do you want to come home? There is no car for you, no housekeeper. You will have to help with housework, do laundry, and now that you can cook, you can be in charge. Are you sure, you want to come home? ”I told her, “Here (in the UK), I hand wash my clothes, my legs are my means of transportation, and I cook when I am hungry. At least when I go home, there is a washing machine!” The truth was that I was too shy to tell her I just wanted to come home to her, and Daddy, and WJ – though I pretty much assumed that they knew, considering how openly homesick I was on Facebook then.

In a bid to maximise all the time I have back home in this brief month with my family and loved ones, I self-declared a technology fast. Not only will it nourish my soul, a cleanse from the addiction to constantly be online, but it will teach me a good lesson of living in the moment, in the person’s company at that very present moment. As it was said on the movie, Foster, “The only way to truly be happy is to connect to the present, connect to the moment.”

On that note, I sign off in anticipation to fully immerse myself in the time I have back home in Malaysia with the people I hold so dear in my heart, you included, yes you, the one reading this now.

P.S.
If there is a need to contact me, I will be reachable at my Malaysian number, 012-xxx1782 effective 6pm today (19th December).


Loves,
Ee Ping

Read more...