Homesick; allowing myself to feel.

So, I find myself in the state of almost zero focus. Can't seem to write a simple academic piece that would normally take me an hour or two (with total focus), can't seem to read a 25-page article and remember what I read, all that runs through my mind now is everyone back home.

I'd think that what hurts the most is knowing that I am not home, wondering how everyone are functioning without me there.

I find myself gradually slipping into this horrible self-pity/victim consciousness, almost telling myself that everyone are better off without me.

It is sick.

I have been holding the fort, I have refused to shed a tear, and I still don't know why. Maybe I do, but have just been refusing to acknowledge it. Perhaps I am not allowing myself to feel the way I do. What's wrong with crying over it, really?

It is slightly over a week since I moved into campus, everyone are out almost every other night partying/clubbing, something I have almost totally lost passion for ever since I left high school at 17. I might have overdid it back then, hence the total lost of interest in doing it anymore now. Or perhaps because I am 20 and most of them are still in their teens? Beats me.

I think I have been pushing myself to get settled in instantly. Or rather I expected myself to. It would be a rather irrational demand considering I am human, but I would've expected nothing less of myself, knowing how I would travel the world and have a ball. Somehow, this time, it is different. Circumstances are different.

I miss having dinner with my family every night.

I miss the luxury of driving out to see friends just because I miss them.

I miss how I could send text messages to anyone anytime.

I miss waking up to morning messages.

I miss being in the same time zone like everyone else.

I miss teasing and arguing with WJ.

I miss how WJ and me make such good stand-up comedians.

I miss Mummy lecturing me about how messy my room is.

I miss how Mummy would tell me that everything will be alright.

I miss the sound of Daddy checking WJ's room every night.

I miss driving to Daddy's office just to have his undivided attention at lunch.

I miss lunches with Miss Hema, sitting by her cubicle chatting.

I miss day outs with Mummy Jo, the embrace she'd give me.

I miss long essay-like messages with God Mum, the comfort of her voice.

I miss going wacky and nutsy with Azura, the joy in the laughters we share.

I write this, and finally allow myself to cry.

I reckon it takes strength to cry,

Because now, I'll have to pull myself back together.

You can do this, Ee Ping.

You were brought up to be who you are, an independent, strong woman.

Loves,

Ee Ping