Inside Out

Nothing can Compare.

2012-01-25T23:52:00.000-08:00

Before I know it, I am back in the land of the English, typing these words out.

Time, as expected has passed superbly quickly.

Perhaps happiness does literally speed up time,

or perhaps my mind is playing tricks on me again, as always.

Huee family Christmas trip in Gopeng.

When I arrived home, my family surprised me with my face-lifted room, cladded with new silk sheets, followed by the "shrine of achievement" with my trophies and medals polished and arranged chronologically, to my fixed up Ikea shelf; it felt like I had never left.

The days passed so quickly. I did lose myself to the sense of presence at several points in time. It was a challenge to have my mind and self in the present moment when I knew I was leaving yet again, but it was a challenge I was not willing to give in to. My mind wandered away from time to time, but I constantly battled the fear of absence. Nothing is quite like being around loved ones physically, though I know that theoretically, minds and hearts are joined, bodies aren't.

From spending precious time with the family, to late night chatters with Daddy downstairs, from sending the brother to school, to seeing him fall asleep on the table at the mamak stall, from driving Mummy around for errands, to babysitting the house with Allie, and from all the brunches, lunches, teas and dinners with beloved friends, to now being back in the UK alone; I must say, I really do enjoy company better - at times.

Who would miss out on the glorious food spread in Malaysia, not to mention the most scrumptious dishes by Daddy's family nyonya tradition? Although the food was one of the main attractions (and the weight gain), I cannot say this enough; the people mattered most.

With that, I am now off to a study marathon as exams are on today and the 7th of February. I would truly appreciate it if you keep me in your prayers. Here is to a lovely Chinese/Lunar New Year!

P.S.

I miss all the Chinese New Year songs playing in shopping malls, restaurants and even mamak stalls. There's just nothing like good ol' Malaysia.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Home.

2011-12-18T18:58:00.000-08:00

There is something about going home this winter break. There is so much that I have come to realise within the mere few months that I have been in the UK for my first semester of university. I guess I could say that I somehow knew going abroad for a stint of time would teach me loads, but I never expected this sense of growth. Sitting in the airplane, looking out the window, seeing the magnificent beauty of nature, the mountains, the ocean, the clouds, the sky, it made me smile at the amazing reality that I have a gorgeous family waiting to receive me back at home.

Just the other day, a Coca-Cola commercial went viral on Facebook. For the benefit of those who did not watch it, it was about how Coca-Cola sponsored a few lucky Filipinos who has not been home in years, and when I mean years I mean decades, to go home and spend Christmas with their families. They spent their time working abroad in a foreign land for the sake of their family’s hope for a better future, some to fund their children, some to send money back to their families. I had the privilege of growing up with housekeepers in my life, through my 20 years of life; we have had housekeepers as part of our family from Philippines, Indonesia, and recently, Cambodia. Sensibly, I knew that they were going through a tough time having been away from their family to be with mine. I remember how Aunty Minda, our Filipino housekeeper went through a rough patch having to deal with a sound argument about how she’s being away from her daughter to raise someone else’s child when her own birth child was growing up. Her name is Rena; we are of the same age. I am glad we still keep in touch to date. I cannot say with complete certainty that I understand the pain of her mother’s absence, but I can say that I have a better grasp of that feeling having to leave home.

I was walking back from town one of the days last week, in the pre-winter weather with layers of clothes over me. I walked past a home, and saw a family sitting together on the dining table sharing laughter over a meal. It did invoke certain emotions in me. I remember Mummy constantly reminding me of what I told her as a little child, “Families who eat together stays together.” She never forgot. Neither did I. That is why our family would do whatever it takes to have dinner together as often as possible. Even if it meant to just be seated on the same table without conversation at all, the company was what we look forward to, really.

Admittedly, the amount of communication I have with my family back home since I started university in the UK has rose tremendously. I guess the saying it true after all; distance does make the heart grow fonder. I would find myself in front of the laptop talking to Mummy on Skype when she wakes up in the morning, once even sacrificing a warm shower (because the hot water turns off after midnight) to talk to her and listen to her updates. I realise too, how technology is such a significant tool for communication, the ease of access, the affordability, the instant ability to communicate from a different continent of the world; I really must thank the fathers of technology.

There was that one conversation I had with Mummy before I bought my air ticket home that stuck in my mind. She asked, “Why do you want to come home? There is no car for you, no housekeeper. You will have to help with housework, do laundry, and now that you can cook, you can be in charge. Are you sure, you want to come home? ”I told her, “Here (in the UK), I hand wash my clothes, my legs are my means of transportation, and I cook when I am hungry. At least when I go home, there is a washing machine!” The truth was that I was too shy to tell her I just wanted to come home to her, and Daddy, and WJ – though I pretty much assumed that they knew, considering how openly homesick I was on Facebook then.

In a bid to maximise all the time I have back home in this brief month with my family and loved ones, I self-declared a technology fast. Not only will it nourish my soul, a cleanse from the addiction to constantly be online, but it will teach me a good lesson of living in the moment, in the person’s company at that very present moment. As it was said on the movie, Foster, “The only way to truly be happy is to connect to the present, connect to the moment.”

On that note, I sign off in anticipation to fully immerse myself in the time I have back home in Malaysia with the people I hold so dear in my heart, you included, yes you, the one reading this now.

P.S.
If there is a need to contact me, I will be reachable at my Malaysian number, 012-xxx1782 effective 6pm today (19th December).

Loves,
Ee Ping

Reminder from Conscience.

2011-12-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

Dear love,

You have come this far, flew miles from home, seen off at the airport with the sight of a brighter future, in hope for a better tomorrow, a search for self and new adventures.

I understand how you yearn to be home in the arms of comfort and familiarity, the joy of mere company and unspoken words, even if it meant arguing, it is still missed.

You know it is only a few days before you return, yet the hours and minutes seemed to have frozen over the past week, and you boil in frustration of impatience.

Some cold nights, you wished you had that luxury of walking to the little one's bed, snuggle up with him in bed, let him know that his sister loves him despite all the fights and ruthless orders.

Some mornings, you wake up wishing you could call Daddy to ask if he would want to have lunch at his office, or Mummy if she was around town to have tea.

Some days, you walk down the street wondering what your God Mum's up to, how she is doing, what she has been going through.

Some weekends, you walk through town hoping that you had that buddy to catch up and chat over tea, sit in comfortable silence indulging in the mere company.

Sometimes, all you want is to curl up in your bed, in the warmth of the comforter because that is the closest you will feel to home.

Sometimes, all you do is cry because there seem to be nothing else that matters, nothing else that works.

A few days, my dearest.

Consciously allow yourself the gift of the present moment. Allow yourself not to regret when you look back. Choose to be one with the moment of now.

Home is waiting, it is not running.

Give yourself the gift of love, my love.

Love yourself as much as I do.

Loves,

Your Conscience

A Letter from Conscience.

2011-12-11T06:42:00.000-08:00

"I have hid so much from the world,

submerged beneath the deep roots of my self,

so much so that the effort to suppress it overwhelms my soul,

and overtakes my potential to function in every way possible.

This coming new year's resolution will be huge."

I wrote in sheer anticipation, utmost confidence in myself, only to find the spotlight of hope shimmer through my soul right into darkness. This cycle I seem to face, this fear, this uncertainty, this depth of the unknown, these subtle yet obvious signs, what does it all mean?

I strive to stand out, yet work so hard to fit in. I do everything to achieve my dreams, to check that list of new experiences, yet I find myself slaving the society's norms. I am guilty for judgments, and I now face the wrath of consequence. I crucify my past, in hope for forgiveness of self. I crucify my past, in hope that one day I will accept myself as I am. Yet, in that crucification, I learn from the past, and what it has made me become.

I fear for my life, but seek life in itself. I fear for the response that would come with it, if I cease to function as I would before. Yet, my happiness is at stake. Would I be willing to live my life for everyone else's perception of what normal is, or would I live my life happy being who I am, owning up to it, be it if it were alone?

I seek not the acceptance of others, but the mere acceptance of my own.

Ee Ping, love yourself. Love yourself enough to let your fear go and live the life you have always dreamt of, the life you have been brought into the world to live, the very path you have chosen for yourself, of which only you, you alone can walk.

Love,

Your Conscience.

I am an Energizer (Bunny)!

2011-12-06T14:23:00.000-08:00

Spirit.

You're an Energizer. A true original with a great sense of humor and spontaneous streak, you're fun to be around and love being at the centre of the action. It seems like you're in a great place right now, feeling full of energy and with everything just flowing for you. Your natural optimism definitely helps! Your sensitive nature means you value having deep connections with a few good friends. It's vital that you make the time to connect with the people who understand you. For someone who enjoys the buzz of social gatherings and lively events, the importance of a contrasting space in your life is especially important. You find great strength and comfort from being at one with nature. Make sure you remind yourself of how special those moments can be for reinvigorating.

Relationship.

You would like to be able to share your spiritual side with your new partner. Feeling at peace with the world comes naturally when you're travelling life's path with your soulmate. You're a deeply passionate person and will go to extreme lengths for love. You're naturally open and find it easy to make connections. It's all about intuition and chemistry and being swept off your feet. Love means opening yourself up to intense experiences that you'll remember for the rest of your life. You are expressive and sensual and, so making a strong physical connection is important to you. It feels really good to lose yourself in the moment. There's nothing like being in love to put a smile on your face, butterflies in your stomach and a spring in your step.

Relationship tips:
So you're Passionate but what tips can we give for when you're looking for love?
Take it easy. Allowing your new relationship to develop gradually would be a really healthy approach for you. Slow and steady wins the race in this case. Make friends. Connecting on a physical level is really important to you. But set strong foundations by getting to know each other first. Slow and steady wins the race. Take things at a sensible pace so you'll keep your feet on the ground and stay realistic about what will work in your everyday life. You are naturally warm and trusting. Just make sure to follow your instincts and listen to your head as well as your heart before diving in too deep.

Money.

You really appreciate being able to afford luxurious pampering and treats. It's a little bit of self-indulgence that goes a long way. You have a very healthy approach to life. You know that true happiness doesn't come from material things or possessions. It goes much deeper than that and is all about valuing those things you can't put a price on. You like to care for those around you, and if they're happy, you're happy. You appreciate that both highs and lows make up the balance of life and you always try and stay spiritually strong and focused.

Health.

You're on the right track with your health. You love feeling rejuvenated after a good night's sleep. You're an endorphin junkie, and nothing beats exercise to make you look and feel fantastic. You have excellent reserves of energy and live life at a fast pace. Anything else would feel like slow motion. You probably grab every opportunity to do a little extra exercise - walking up escalators, jogging home from the store. And if you don't get your heart rate up regularly, you can end up feeling like a bit of a slob. Just be careful that you don't get too obsessed. No one wants to hear how many sit-ups you've done!

Home.

If you took some time out to visualize your dream life, you could probably see yourself away from the rat race, chilling out on a beach. Nothing puts a smile on your face like waking up to sun, sea and sand without a care in the world. Fresh fruit, seafood and not a cloud in the sky...sounds like paradise!

Entertainment.

You have a vivid imagination and enjoy letting yourself be transported away from everyday life, so the escapism of the silver screen is perfect for you. Whether it's the latest blockbuster or a quirky arthouse offering, you love a night at the movies. Why not get some friends over for a themed DVD night? Fancy dress can be optional...just make sure you've got plenty of popcorn!

Style.

You like to take things easy. Life's busy enough without having to worry about getting dressed up every day. It's about maximum comfort with a splash of style, so it's hard to beat your favorite pair of jeans. But don't forget how good it can feel to give yourself a makeover every now and then. It can work wonders for your self-esteem to refresh your wardrobe, spruce up your hair and put on a great dress. So make sure you schedule a shopping trip and pampering session every few months. You deserve it!

Travel.

For you, family is a major part of life. You love spending time with your family, especially on vacation. That's the stuff family photo albums are made of, after all. Nothing beats seeing big smiles on everyone's faces.

So, I did a photograph-selection kind of quiz here.

Am actually very surprised at how accurate it is.

Give it a go if you feel inclined to. :)

Loves,

Ee Ping

Blooming.

2011-12-02T15:47:00.000-08:00

Something my parents said today sparked thoughts in my mind; "We are looking forward to welcome home a "new transformed" Ee Ping!" Perhaps it is this whole lot of content analysis that I have been doing in my mind whilst attending my lectures, or perhaps it is the social psychology theories that I have been reading about that is messing with my mind. To think about it, I haven't really been in the UK for that long a time - although I must admit that the past 71 days have passed really quickly. It made me wonder, has this mere 71-day stint in a country almost 11,000km away from home made me change that much?

I guess family arguments have gone from almost daily to nothing, and truth be told, I am loving it. I rationalised it lately and realised that there isn't any room for arguing because every time we are talking to each other, it is basically to update ourselves about each other's lives. Thank God for the invention of Blackberry Messenger, I speak to my family everyday, though sometimes the feeling of 'I wish I was home' emerges when the topic about the brother's awards ceremony, or a family event comes up, but I still want to be in the know. There is still a part of me that wonders if things would be different if I am not home for a long time, but friends have always reassured me that no matter how much I can think of the worst, things really are the same, and family will always be family.

I reckon this is the longest time I have been away from my family altogether. Despite travelling, nothing would really prepare me for something quite like this; living a life away from familiar grounds, familiar faces, familiar feelings, familiar life. It is in brand new experiences that I would grow most anyway. For that, I am ever grateful.

See you lovelies back home in 18 days. I am looking forward to it!

Loves,

Ee Ping

Patriotism & PA2011.

2011-11-29T16:47:00.000-08:00

If there is one thing I have learned from travelling, it is that leaving my homeland makes me prouder of my nationality. I reckon it's human tendency to take things for granted when things are presented right in front of us. I must admit, I take my citizenship for granted. Back home, politicians debate about whether we should regard ourselves as nationality first or race first. Think about it, if I weren't in Malaysia, would I go around telling people I'm Chinese Malaysian? I don't even do it when I'm home, what more abroad. Since being in the UK, I don't recall ever being this proud to tell people I am a Malaysian, born and bred in Malaysia (despite having being asked numerous times if I am from China or Hong Kong). I have never felt more patriotic watching the Malaysian Harimau Muda play in the Sea Games finals, beating Indonesia to a thrilling, heart stopping penalty kick-off that they eventually came to winning. Nothing tops that feeling, really.

Perhaps all politicians should be sent abroad, to a foreign land to learn just how much there is to love about our home country aside from the power play and the circus-like behaviour. I may be in the UK, but it pierces my heart to read updates from home about things like the hastened passing of the Public Assembly Bill in Parliament despite the respectable efforts of lawyers and everyone who showed up for the Walk4Freedom. Somehow, the politicians seem somewhat blinded by the whole party politics that the people they supposedly represent appear somewhat non-existent. The bill was passed in Parliament with a 137-0 votes because the opposition MPs walked out with the reason that only three of their speakers were allowed to debate on the bill. Fine, but does that mean they deserve the right to act like a child, throw a tantrum and leave the debate without even attempting to vote against the bill? What do they prove to the people who voted them? That they would wave the white flag every time they know they are outnumbered? To surrender without a fight? The 137 government MPs on the other hand, voted unanimously in favour of the bill. Really? Among all 137 of them, none of them had any hesitance or thought that the bill might be a little too repressive on the liberty of the people? None of them felt the need to raise any concerns at all? Or was it merely raising the hand when everyone's hands were up?

So we have on one end, very obedient followers, and on the other, a bunch of walkaways who give up without a battle. Does that make our jobs as voters any easier? I don't think so. Patriotism almost seems too far-fetched now. Decisions seem to be made in order to keep power where it is now, not the people's voice or opinions. If an election was called now, I'd predict a hike in the spoilt votes. A huge hike, I reckon.

I hope things do get better by the time I am old enough to vote, but since it is only four months away, I am not keeping my hopes very high. A girl can dream.

Loves,
Ee Ping.

Running Away.

2011-11-15T11:48:00.000-08:00

There is a saying that you don't know what you want till you lose it. Then, there is also a saying that you never know till you try, and that more often than not, requests that go unsaid ends up being a wish unfulfilled. So, there is this whole talk about manifestation and how powerful our minds are in determining the outcomes of things, technically life as a whole. I have put this theory to test a couple of times, having found very feasible outcomes but not for long.

When an intention is set, I set my mind to attaining it. My problem isn't that my mind can't focus long enough, it is that I run away when the manifestation does happen. Perhaps it is because that yearn for the outcome was for something that I did not have, something new, a typical humane desire to want what I don't have.

I can see for myself that it is a step by step process. First, I have got through the manifestation bit. Now, it is about my reaction towards the manifestation. Previously, I struggled having to deal with the frustration of not having things manifested as I thought it out to be. Now, it is about dealing with embracing the manifestation and knowing what to do with it besides running away in fear of the unfamiliar.

The reason for this escape is that I am just not comfortable with the unfamiliar. Well, to be fair, who is? For years, I have kept to doing what I do best; sports. I have found it so tough to come out from that identity and do something new. It was a mind game, the fear of failure, of starting from scratch, of humbling myself; but isn't that what life is about? Learning? Everyday is a new day, every moment is a new beginning. What's there to lose in trying out something new? After all, doesn't it all get somewhat monotonous and boring when you do the same thing over and over again, despite it being with different people and place?

I grew to understand that life is a gamble. Not in the sense of winning and losing, but in the aspect of being able to take that risk that things may not turn out as expected or planned. It is the aftermath of a choice that really defines an individual. Hence the saying, you can't control what happens to you, but you can however control how you react to it.

With that, I'd stand tall and say that this time around, I am here to stay. I am playing your game of life, God. Count me in. Manifestations of my very own thoughts will lead me to further growth and lessons, I am up for it!

Are you?

P.S.

I experimented with a new video, recording an audio of this piece of writing, combining it with photographs of a sunset that I have shot in the past. Enjoy!

Loves,
Ee Ping

Sting.

2011-11-05T07:07:00.000-07:00

So, having to live (sort of) independently here in the UK has taught me a thing or two - and more to come I know. I have always grew up as someone who is very careful with money, with the exception of certain things like good food. I have always been a budget person, never really cared about brands of clothes or bags, except probably for the Nike sports shoes that would last me a good five years wearing it off by using it for all my sports activities. When I finally got my very own pair of spike shoes, it costed RM20 and lasted me from when I was 12 till today.

However, my parents had a good point when it came to grocery shopping. WJ and me would have a jolly good time picking things off the shelf at Carrefour and simply putting them in the trolley, perhaps with little thought as to how much all those little things that are supposedly affordable would amount to when you have a trolley overflowing with stuff. When we get to the cashier, Mummy would almost always shake her head, sign the bill and say, "Bringing you kids along for grocery shopping very expensive lah!" I guess I did understand to some extent how costly it was having to spend a few hundred Ringgit a week just to get household groceries, but I never really knew how it felt till I came here to the UK.

I do my grocery shopping weekly, sometimes twice a week depending on how often I decide to take the 30-minute walk to town, and also how willing I am in carrying all the things back, especially when it involves cartons of milk and juices alongside a tray of 15 eggs. Back home when I shopped for groceries, more often than not, I would never resort to buying the Carrefour/Tesco brand of things because it was somewhat deemed as a lower quality good. Buying dish washers and clothing detergent by Sunlight and Breeze was a norm, but when I came here, everything changed. Everything I bought was by Tesco, the dish washer, the clothing detergent, for the simple reason that it is way cheaper. The only thing I don't compromise; my cereal. The must-have Kellogg's corn flakes and Cocopops, no other brands. I guess when it is my own cash flows, I feel the pinch. Having to swipe my own card knowing that the money would be debited that very instance, I learn to manage my temptations and straighten up my priorities. I dare say, I know what it feels like now, Mummy.

Grocery shopping when I get home this time around would definitely be different.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Frustration, Rage then Grace.

2011-10-19T09:50:00.000-07:00

Today, I finally grew the determination and body heat to walk to the university library for the very first time. I certainly taught myself a lesson in procrastination because today happens to be one of the coldest days it has been here in the UK. Still, all is well. I am alive, just with almost-frozen finger tips.

I spent the past few hours hunting down books I need, weighing the pros and cons of buying a second hand book and reading it off the library, and indulging in the silence of the day. I ended up buying a second hand book for £2.81 on Amazon since I was going to need to read it anyway, and the library books aren't in the best brand new conditions to begin with.

Then I had to leave the silence of the second floor to come up to the "High-Demand Section" where books are only allowed a 24-hour loan. I found the Sociology book I needed to read up ahead of tomorrow's lecture, found myself a spot, braved the talking and noise and finished reading Page 120 to 139 in slightly over 90 minutes.

I was on the verge of crying at the rate of my reading and how easily distracted I would get with all the noise. I could almost feel rage building inside as I attempt to hurl the blame at Amazon for having my Sociology text book delayed in delivery. It was an internally rampant but externally silent process nonetheless. I withdrew myself away from the chaos of my mind and decided to just breathe. It was in that moment that I realise, gratitude was all I had. I was thankful for the eyes to see, to be able to read the words that are printed. It was in that very moment, that all frustration dispersed in thin air.

I am thankful.

On a separate note, I haven't been writing much lately as I resorted to recording video logs. Despite missing the familiar voices and faces that I have had as my emotional pillars back home, I found that recording a video would make information dissemination so much easier and faster. For those who didn't catch it when I posted it all up on Facebook here they are.

Loves,

Ee Ping

A lesson in appreciation.

2011-10-09T16:06:00.000-07:00

So, I have found myself keeping busy all the time, constantly finding for something to do if it weren't to think about how I felt and what emotions were running through my mind when I am free. Despite it being a commonly used defense mechanism, one would think that such a conscious choice to keep myself busy would be irrelevant. I tried, but obviously to no feasible outcome.

Keeping myself busy is basically as good as sweeping all the troubles under a carpet and keeping it there for as long as it takes. I would know better, but I guess I am only human. Making choices that are sometimes not quite right is part of living and learning. Yet again, a lesson of choice and consequence.

I have been having a pulling sensation at the lower part of my left shoulder and it tends to hurt when I find myself stressed out and lost. Most of the time, it hits the hardest at nightfall. But, the one thing I notice about it is that whenever I write or speak of my feelings and emotions, the sensation gradually fades away. Perhaps the sensation is merely my bottled up feelings, things I wish not to speak of, if not to a certain few individuals.

Ever since leaving home, there are a few things that I must admit to taking for granted. Firstly, my family; Daddy, Mummy and WJ. Who knew that I'd miss those lectures, nags, fights, bickering, quarrels over food, choosing where to go, running errands and all those daily routines? I knew that there would come a time when I would miss those movie nights at home, dinners together, dreading the late nights that Daddy would come home late and we'd wait up for dinner, supper nights with the family, movie day outs with WJ; but really, who knew that I'd miss all the arguments as well?

Also, the one lost I significantly felt was the mobility of having a car. My goodness. Buying groceries is almost a hobby, I simply enjoy the feeling. But this is a whole different story when you have take a 30-minute walk back from the supermarket with 2 litres of milk, 2 litres of mango juice, 2 litres of tropical juice, a big bottle of soy sauce, a tray of 15 eggs, a frying pan and yoghurt. Yes, I managed that today, and no, I didn't break any eggs in the tray. Achievement in itself, really. Gone were the days of loading and unloading groceries, even then, dragging my feet having to unload them from the car back into the house. How I would now reflect and realise how spoilt I am. With that in mind, I now make myself take a 30-minute walk to town every time I need something from the supermarket. No bus, no cab, no online shopping.

The walk works as a constant self-reminder, to appreciate what I have back home, to know the value of everything that I am provided with, to be grateful for all that Daddy and Mummy do in order to provide me with everything and at the very least, to empathise in my own way, the hardships that they have gone through.

Thank you, Daddy and Mummy.

I know I don't say it often enough, but you mean the world to me.

So do you, WJ. Believe it or not. :)

Loves,

Ee Ping

Homesick; allowing myself to feel.

2011-10-07T16:01:00.000-07:00

So, I find myself in the state of almost zero focus. Can't seem to write a simple academic piece that would normally take me an hour or two (with total focus), can't seem to read a 25-page article and remember what I read, all that runs through my mind now is everyone back home.

I'd think that what hurts the most is knowing that I am not home, wondering how everyone are functioning without me there.

I find myself gradually slipping into this horrible self-pity/victim consciousness, almost telling myself that everyone are better off without me.

It is sick.

I have been holding the fort, I have refused to shed a tear, and I still don't know why. Maybe I do, but have just been refusing to acknowledge it. Perhaps I am not allowing myself to feel the way I do. What's wrong with crying over it, really?

It is slightly over a week since I moved into campus, everyone are out almost every other night partying/clubbing, something I have almost totally lost passion for ever since I left high school at 17. I might have overdid it back then, hence the total lost of interest in doing it anymore now. Or perhaps because I am 20 and most of them are still in their teens? Beats me.

I think I have been pushing myself to get settled in instantly. Or rather I expected myself to. It would be a rather irrational demand considering I am human, but I would've expected nothing less of myself, knowing how I would travel the world and have a ball. Somehow, this time, it is different. Circumstances are different.

I miss having dinner with my family every night.

I miss the luxury of driving out to see friends just because I miss them.

I miss how I could send text messages to anyone anytime.

I miss waking up to morning messages.

I miss being in the same time zone like everyone else.

I miss teasing and arguing with WJ.

I miss how WJ and me make such good stand-up comedians.

I miss Mummy lecturing me about how messy my room is.

I miss how Mummy would tell me that everything will be alright.

I miss the sound of Daddy checking WJ's room every night.

I miss driving to Daddy's office just to have his undivided attention at lunch.

I miss lunches with Miss Hema, sitting by her cubicle chatting.

I miss day outs with Mummy Jo, the embrace she'd give me.

I miss long essay-like messages with God Mum, the comfort of her voice.

I miss going wacky and nutsy with Azura, the joy in the laughters we share.

I write this, and finally allow myself to cry.

I reckon it takes strength to cry,

Because now, I'll have to pull myself back together.

You can do this, Ee Ping.

You were brought up to be who you are, an independent, strong woman.

Loves,

Ee Ping

A New Chapter; UK.

2011-10-01T11:16:00.000-07:00

The airport.

I haven't got the chance to thank each and everyone who made their way to the airport to see me off. A special apology to Raja Faisal for having missed seeing you at the airport even though you came all the way. Marvin, buddy, thank you so much for being there, having to drive over after class. You have meant so much to me in the past few years, and you still do. Mummy Jo, thank you for being there even though I knew you didn't want to see me go; you are strong. Miss Hema, thank you for being there even though you dreaded the fact that the departure was going to happen; I have your pen with me, and your test pad! Miss Sathya, thank you for being there even though you have a crazy schedule. Livia, thank you for being there even though I know you hate goodbyes. Your little book of memories, I keep with me here and in my heart. Lily, thank you for being there with your happy juice and cheery smile. Your cards are kept in my purse, well cared for, well appreciated, and well remembered. All in all, the biggest thanks to my parents and brother who were there, through and through.

I resisted my tears, held my fort and left at the airport with the heart of steel - not without emotions, but with strength. It wasn't until the call from God Mum at the departure hall that it started to hit me. I got a little teary, but no flooding of any sort. It is a new beginning, and I know I will be back. It is only a matter of time. Be it a few months, a year or two, I know I will be home. It is called home for a reason - though the first voice note that came from my parents 5 days after not having heard their voice got me crying a river.

London.

As my flight was brought forward a day and my move-in date on campus was later, I bunked in with Vincent in London and managed to catch up with several Malaysian friends there and also my housemate who was going to stay in the same hall of residence as I was on campus. It's the wonders of Facebook really. We were able to befriend fellow freshers who were coming into Loughborough University via the fresher's group and also find friends in our hall of residences before even being here in person - which was why I managed to meet Patricia who's from London before we came to campus. I also managed to meet Sophie and Suan Shih who pretty much saw me grow up from when I was 13 back in Seafield. I felt so close to home having met them, being able to spend some time sitting over drinks and chatting, catching up on things. I am really grateful. Also managed to meet Niki who practically regards London as his second home. He almost knows London by the back of his head! Vincent brought me around a lot, and we covered a lot of ground on foot, which was pretty remarkable considering that I don't walk much back in KL, thanks to the humidity and heat. With a student rail card, I might just head back to London before I know it!

Loughborough.

So, touchdown Loughborough. From London, Vincent and me took the tube back to Heathrow for the university's free coach ride. I smartly twisted my wrist trying the adjust the totally oversized luggage of mine - considering that there were extra things bought from London and also the repacking that took place whilst I was there. My big luggage arrived at the airport damaged, with the handle jacked. It's basically stuck and the airlines is replacing the luggage, a new one should be arriving on Monday or Tuesday. Wasn't jet lagged back in London because I was on a night flight from Malaysia and by the time I got to Heathrow, it was early morning - UK is 7 hours behind Malaysia.

My twisted wrist got me new friends in Butler; a blessing in disguise. Got to know Jen, Jess and Bella because they helped me with my luggages, got them into the room and headed straight to the medical centre for my wrist, and they even brought me to the Student's Union because it was cheaper to get the tablets there. All is well, my wrist is recovering just fine. My flatmates are lovely. 3 of them are locals from UK; Holly, Poppy and Becca. Alex if from Zimbabwe and my roommate, Rhea is from China. We went to town together, shopped together, partied together (for the nights that I went out), and they know that it is going to be my first time ever being in a winter and seeing snow. Poppy is excited for me even! Too cute.

I'd think that the video below pretty much summarises my settling down updates in Loughborough, so feel free to listen up. I have a permanent local number already, so feel free to drop me a message if you want it. Till then, love to all back home and around the world!

Loves,

Ee Ping

Take Flight, Little One.

2011-09-21T01:42:00.000-07:00

So my bags are pretty much packed, with all that I would need within the next few months at the very least. All these are actually considered a whole lot more luggages than those that my peers are carrying with them, seeing that they only have one hand carried luggage while I have four. And to think that my cousin has so kindly carried 13kg worth of stuff for me over to the UK on Monday; it makes me think twice about being a hoarder.

Cleaning up all my things at home was a lesson in itself. I had two options, to put them in the 'Give Away' box or the 'Sentimental' box. Knowing the person that I am, I could have placed almost everything into the 'keep-for-life-and-never-take-it-out-ever' box, but I didn't. I dutifully am giving away a whole lot of my things and keeping about 3 boxes of things with sentimental value which includes handwritten notes, cards and even copies of my first pay cheque.

Speaking of which, my clearing up efforts brought about a pretty interesting story. In the midst of sorting out things that were to be kept, I found a note that had a handwritten message in it by a lady who signed off as 'Agnes' back in 1999. There was even a photograph of her in that note. I vaguely remembered the name, but was not absolutely certain. At the end of the note, there was a contact number. I called, and a very lovely reunion unfolded. She was the lady I used to call 'Agnes Jie Jie' back when I was 8. I was very close to her back then when the elections were happening. Who knew that she'd remember me after all these years? We met up yesterday, catching up on the past decade and how everything has unwind into the 20-year-old girl who sat in front of her, who used to be only as tall as her legs, now standing taller and wiser (I hope). At the end of the day, I have to admit, clearing my clutter did pay off.

Leaving home, leaving the nest, leaving the country for a new chapter in life, pursuing a new field of study and seeking brand new adventures is exciting, until I realise that to take off and begin this new journey, I have to physically leave several people I hold so close to my heart. I have realised lately that all it takes is for a known departure to make everyone closer, particularly with WJ the brother. And I somehow felt as though there was this abundant amount of love all around in everyone, not that there wasn't any before, but it just feels somewhat different.

I did previously have a defense mechanism that screwed things up when I had to leave, thinking that it would make the departure easier, or I would keep my distance so that it would be easier to detach when the time comes. This time around, I have learnt that this was not the case. I disallowed myself to ruin beautiful ties, I made it a point to savour every moment I could with the parents, the brother, the God Mums and the friends. I feel ever humbled by their love.

This departure too is teaching me just how time doesn't define a friendship. A friend had called out of the blue from Australia just to check up and see how my emotions were doing as she too had been through it all when she had to pack up and leave. Another friend, way back from primary school days wrote to me after all these years just to wish me well before I take off, and all these reminded me that a friendship is never based on how much time you spend with each other, but rather where you are placed in their hearts.

The family joined me in my efforts to eat all the different types of Malaysian food that I wanted before I head over to the UK. They have been tremendously obliging, and I am truly grateful. I almost felt like a camel storing up all the food in my humps! If you are wondering, I did not pack any instant noodles. I did however bring along some 3-in-1 Milo, 5 packs of Bak Kut Teh powder, 2 packs of Herbal Chicken powder, Edmark's Ginseng Coffee and Edmark's Meal Replacement Therapy. That's about all the food stuff that I brought along.

I did silently wish there was a foldable version of Daddy, Mummy, WJ, God Mum and Mummy Jo just so I could pack them all in my bag, or a magical teleporting machine would do. Imagine attending classes in the mornings, teleporting myself home for dinner, and teleporting myself back to campus for the nightlife. Wouldn't that be something? A girl can dream. At the very least, the thought of it makes me smile.

I will be flying MH 2, Malaysian Airlines from KLIA to London Heathrow Airport. The flight departs at 11.40pm local time and am probably going to enter the departure hall 2 hours before the flight because of the sponsors. I am pretty sure there will be tears, and a few farewell letters to be given away, but I also know that this temporary departure is for a better tomorrow, an exciting journey and an abundant amount of new memories. With those thoughts, I will pull myself together. I promise.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Departures & Goodbyes, a Cryfest.

2011-09-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

At some point in life, I will have to take a step forward on my own, to start a new phase of life, to begin a fresh journey; that point has arrived.

I know I haven't been writing ever since my exam results were released. Well, nothing much have changed besides the fact that I have steadily been confirmed a place in the university I desired, to study the course I have intended to do and to leave for a country that I have never been to before. Aside from all the documentation and partial shopping, I have been doing quite a lot of catching up with many people I have grew to adore through the years of my existence. It has been quite a feat having to meet them all personally, catching up on good times, and some after a vacuum of a few years.

All these meetings are beautiful, one of the moments in life that I truly live for. I haven't actually allowed myself to immerse into the whole idea of physically leaving this place I call home, these people I call family and these friends I call pillars until a few days ago. Not many ask me how I feel, most just bring up the whole excitement of moving into a foreign land, meeting new people, starting a new chapter, having almost total freedom - don't get me wrong, I am excited, but it is terribly bittersweet.

I wouldn't say I am an extremely homey person judging by the amount of time I actually spend at home, how often I seem to lash out at my parents and brother, and how inconsiderate I can be most of the time, but I must admit that leaving them here to venture into a whole new experience is tough. Perhaps my love for them has not been expressed in the most appropriate of ways, but I do believe that with this very heavy heart to leave, it must mean something.

My longest and only experience of being away from home alone is the 14 days I had spent in Puttaparthi, India. I wouldn't even dare say I know how it would feel this time because it is bound to be very different. Many have used our savvy technology tools like Skype as a comforting pillow for this (temporary) departure, but let me just say that there is really nothing like being at home with the family - be it laughing, crying or arguing, there is just nothing like it.

I am in tears, attempting to put all these feelings into words. I have been told that there will be days like this, where emotions will surface. I am only human.

All the shoppings for supplies, all the catching up with people I hold close to my heart, all the talk about the possibility of coming home in December, all the chatters about how life might be in the UK; it gets to me. I may not have the exact word to describe it, but it gets to me. Perhaps a goodnight's sleep will allow it to fade away with my dreams, perhaps it wouldn't. I reckon, this is what growing up is, to move out of the nest, buck up and brace for an independent life on my own. No maid, no cook, no car - just me with a tight budget and some new friends who are going to be my life support for the next few months, or shall I say years.

In honour of my 20 years of life, here is my Gratitude List.

I am thankful for;

A set of parents who puts up with my rudeness, mood swings, demeaning demands, inconsiderate requests, and still, after all that, stand by me at an awards ceremony clapping as I walk on stage, with shimmering eyes that say, "That's my daughter."

I am thankful for;

My brother whom I have enslaved with my terrible mood swings, verbally abuse over the slightest of things, suppress when he attempts to make decisions, and still, through it all, hugs me tight when I say I am sad about leaving.

I am thankful for;

Life's luxuries that my parents have so abundantly provided me with; a maid at home, a car to drive, money to spend, a home to live in, dresses for events and most importantly, the emotional support that lifted me through these 20 years. Yes, parental support is a luxury because it isn't something that they owe me, it is something they had chose to give me, and I am a lucky girl. I count my blessings.

I am thankful for;

All the lovelies I have grown to love from Anchoring the Light Ministry, all my close circle of friends whom I have grown to trust and rely on, all my juniors who have made me so proud of their achievements, and just everyone who has crossed paths with me; thank you.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Exam Results, a Lesson.

2011-08-13T03:57:00.000-07:00

So, as you can see in the above picture, I scored a stunning A* for Economics and Bs for Accounting and History. The process of getting my exam results is such a story by itself. I was and still am in Philippines when the results came out on the morning of 11 August. I sat myself in front of the laptop refreshing the page over and over again, but with no success of logging into the already jammed up online portal. I was at the hotel in Cubao and we were checking out that morning to take a four-hour car ride to Canyon Cove Resort where Edmark's Leadership and Teambuilding Camp is held. I gave up. I called Miss Sathya and decided to get my grades from her instead. Her text message came in and I burst out in tears. I was genuinely disappointed. It was a hurtful feeling inside, as though the best that I have given was not good enough.

I got my results in the car, and we had a good two hours left in the journey. I silently sat with my feelings, cried my heart out when everyone slept and just learned to be with myself in that moment. It was heart breaking. Then, I was yearning to find out my score. I had only found out my grades. In order to view my score, I had to get online - which was only possible when I got to the resort. I attempted to log in on my iPod Touch numerous times when I arrived, but to no avail. Out of the blue, all of a sudden, I refreshed and the page loaded. I ran to Mummy's seat, sat on the floor by her legs and started crying hard. The score was so close. Some may say that having a strong B-grade is a good thing, but at the same time, it hurts having to know that it was that close.

Daddy said it was strong B-grades and I have made the cut for the university entrance, that is all that matters. Yet, it made me cry harder. Through that brief few hours of emotional turmoil, I had numerous people on Twitter who constantly encouraged me and I loved Niki Cheong's reminder telling me to celebrate the 78% I scored instead of crying over the 2% that I didn't get. It was a good reminder. All the words that flooded in worked as a wake up call to snap me back to my senses. I am most appreciative; Juana, Aunty M, Niki, Anas and everyone who talked me through it all, I thank you.

Something that Miss Hema said sparked thoughts in my head too. She said, "You don't have to always have them all. You need to learn, you are a normal person with faults."

This exam results taught me two very big lessons; acceptance and humility. I have made it into university, so what's the fuss, I asked myself. Plus, I achieved my goal of that A* for Economics, my favourite subject. The fact that I had cried over the 78% in Accounting before even looking at the 95% in Economics just showed me that I have to learn to see the bigger picture of it all.

God is good, all the time.

I count my blessings.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Surrender.

2011-08-10T13:55:00.000-07:00

So,

The A-Levels exam results are due in less than two hours.

I am in Philippines,

Sitting by the laptop in the wee hours of the morning,

Thinking about everything.

Something that I can never forget;

Mummy's reassurance yesterday.

She couldn't sleep the night before,

Picking up on my nervousness and concerns.

She came to me and said,

"Whatever the outcome of your results,

I know you have done your best,

It shows.

We will get you there,

With or without a scholarship."

With that sort of assurance,

The desire to qualify myself amplifies.

There is nothing I can do now,

But wait patiently.

God knows best.

I believe unquestionably with faith.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Overcoming Fears with a Friend.

2011-08-06T04:27:00.000-07:00

On a sunny Friday, just two days ago, I had the blessed chance of being Azura's guest while shooting for her upcoming show for Astro Prima titled 'Langit dan Bumi' of which she co-hosts with Alam. They were shooting in Sunway Pyramid and Sunway Lagoon. I remember her telling me that we were going to do the G-Force ride, also known as a human sling shot. Silently, that freaked me out, but externally, I held a rather bold front and said, "Sure, I'm up for that!"

So, we started the day shooting in Sunway Pyramid, having to switch my lingual mode to Bahasa Malaysia (BM) since the show is shot in our country's national language. I have to admit, my BM isn't as fluent as it used to be. I guess it is true that when I stop using the language, I gradually forget. (I shifted to a private school that used English as its medium of communication when I was 16, though I know there is no excuse.)

On the spot, I found out we were going ice skating. Though I silently had a gut feeling that we were going to do it and even dressed for it, nothing could prepare me for a sweat-out ice skating attempt on the supposedly chilly ice skating ring. I was drenched in sweat after shooting at the ice skating ring - no photographs of that because my camera was in the locker, THANK GOD. Unfortunately, the crew filmed it, and I won't know if they will air the part of me FALLING on ice until the show is out in October. Do let me know if you happen to watch that episode yeah? It is on Channel 105 on Astro.

After being given 'Film Crew' passes to enter Sunway Lagoon, we hit it off with the G-Force ride. I had an overwhelming amount of fear before going on that ride, while Azura on the other hand has done it in Singapore five times over. She was reassuring me that it was do-able and that we will come out of it alive - which totally got me laughing. The pre-ride jitters were filmed on camera. I can only imagine how the footage of us on the ride would look like on television. Yes, they fixed up their portable camera on the ride itself shooting us while we were screaming our hearts out, till it came to a point that we just burst out in laughter. The ride didn't turn out as bad as I had imagined it to be in my mind, although the spinning was horrifyingly dizzy. Only then did I realise that I totally overplayed the fear in my mind. The mind is tricky.

After being swung into the air, spun around a couple of times before descending back on the ground, we climbed up seven-storeys worth of stairs to get to the suspension bridge of Sunway Lagoon only to leap off it with a bungee jump. I have been longing to do the bungee jump since its opening, but when they prepped me up for the jump and got me to stand at the edge of the platform, the fear was just beyond words. Even typing this out makes my hands sweat!

They advise you not to look down, but due to the fact that you have to place your feet halfway out of the platform, you end up looking down anyway - which totally gave me chills down my spine. I vividly remember the guy saying, "Look straight at the hotel, don't look down." I spread both my arms wide, prepared for the jump and as they counted down, "5..4..3..2..1..," I leaned forward. Nothing topped that feeling. To be exact, it was not happiness, it was not fear that I felt when I leaped, it was nothing. That was the most amazing part of the leap; the neutrality of emotions.

Azura's bungee jump episode was extra long because she took some time to let go. (She's going to say it wasn't that long because she's awesome like that, hahaha - you know I love you, babs!) BUT, when she finally took that leap and joined me at the bottom, her entire self transformed. You can only imagine her post-jump excitement, skipping around like a popping popcorn. Impulsively, we took up the offer when Stanley screamed from the bridge asking if we wanted to have another jump. This time, we did it TOGETHER!

Watch this video and have a good laugh at our bungee jump!

The new surfing experience on the Flow Rider was a good work out. I woke up with jelly-like shoulders the next morning! I have never surfed anything other than the internet, so it was very much a foreign experience for me. We began by jumping into the waves with our body on the board attempting to just stay on the board for as long as possible. Slowly but surely, we began attempting to kneel on our knees while braving the gushing machine-made waves, which mind you, is extremely strong. I speak from experience because as you can watch from the video below, I fell off the board and the waves literally pushed me all the way back to the top and I was practically sitting there stuck because the waves were too strong for me to stand back up - until the guard came to my rescue and literally pulled me out of it. No kidding!

Azura was almost a natural on the Flow Rider! And I have to say, she certainly has the expressions for television. When I was trying to get on my knees on the board, it required me to first press the board down while braving the waves, then once it is stable, attempt to kneel on my knees - all with a serious, focused face on, but somehow, Azura manages to do it all with a wide smile on her face. And, if her outfit doesn't scream out expertise, I stand witness to her natural talent. To understand that talent, watch the video and go figure. *winks*

All in all, it was a good Friday. Besides having myself a good time and overcoming my fears, I couldn't have asked for a better person to have done a tandem (duo) bungee jump with! When we were sitting in the surf pool after the entire day of shooting, we looked up at the suspension bridge and saw two people prepping for a bungee jump together, and I remember her saying, "Luckily we trust each other." Indeed, babs. Indeed.

To humour you a little, here is a short clip of us fooling around behind the camera - after the crew supposedly stopped filming. Why not share a giggle? :)

Middle photographs, taken when I was 8 years old.

Photographs on the side, taken last year and this year.

When Daddy went through our day's photographs and videos, he asked me to do a past and present photograph collage and said to ask Azura this; "Don't you ever grow old?" Daddy cracks me up all the time.

Thank you for everything, babs!

Loves,
Ee Ping

Farewell, you.

2011-08-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

Goodbye,

A word that says so much in so little.

How do I leave you without crying,

Or finding myself gasping at every sigh?

How do I walk away with such a heavy heart,

Knowing that you have made a mark?

I care,

I really do.

If only you knew how much you mean to me.

Then again, if only.

At every urge I have to stop this cycle,

I look back and smile at the past,

Your words,

Our laughters;

And I flourish right back to the beginning.

I find myself asking,

"If I care so much for you;

Why leave?"

An answer descends,

Whispering silently like a breeze;

"Because it hurts too much."

How did such a love turn into hurt?

Did I take you for someone you were not?

Have I mistaken you for myself?

Who is the person I care for,

You or the person I thought you were?

My memory is failing me.

Vague memories of how I felt with you linger,

But the feeling has somehow ceased to exist.

I fear the vacuum that will come through,

Pushing us further and further away,

Till we reach a polar opposite end.

Must it come to that?

I withdraw,

Raising the white flag.

I still love you,

I still care deeply;

I do.

It is in this love that I am letting you go,

And keeping you in my heart;

For always.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Of Insecurity.

2011-07-25T02:29:00.000-07:00

How many of us hide behind the veils of insecurities?

How many of us appear smooth and fine externally?

How many of us smoothen things out to appear alright?

How many of us lie to ourselves?

How honest are you with yourself?

How brutal is the truth you tell yourself?
How bitter do you allow yourself to feel?

How long do you allow yourself comfort?

Fly away, insecurities of mine.

Disperse with the wind.

Set me free.

Uncage my heart from misery.

I love you enough to be there,

I love you enough to support you,

I love you enough to sit you through hard times;

But I also love you enough to let you go.

They have your past,

They are your present,

Despite all that I do;

I can't help but feel helplessly abandoned.

I find my mind popping this question,

"How unconditional am I in giving?"

Please God,

Remind me of my clarity,

Remind me of my strength;

Remind me of you.

I love you,

You know I do.

Loves,

Ee Ping

MKM 2011.

2011-07-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

Choral speakers.

No words can describe the pride I feel and joy that fills my heart as I watch the video of this amazing bunch of choral speakers from Saturday night. Despite only spending a mere two weeks with them - which includes walking out on them once, nothing tops this feeling of satisfaction and the sense of intangible happiness as I watched them shine on stage. The audience's giggles and laughters were testimony that their hard work paid off. Of late night practices, dozing off on the chair as we discuss formations, trying out new ideas, throwing out old ones, you lovelies marvel me with your energy, personality and love. I love you all, to the Moon and back.

Miss Hema.

One of the most memorable moments with her is sitting in the car through the wee hours of the morning spilling our hearts out. The vulnerable person that I am with her is like no other. More often than not, it is the simple things that matters most, especially in crucial times. I wish I could help in ways more than one, but if it meant by being a listening ear, that shoulder of support and assurance, I will be just that. You are amazing, you really are - more than you give yourself credit for. You know I love you.

Livia.

I have said so much, that I feel like there is nothing more to say. She pulled through the darkest of moments, kept her cool in the hottest of days and still was able to talk to me like any ordinary day - almost. Some tough cookie, you are. I have always known that you could do it, but you really exceeded my expectations this time. I am truly proud of you, Livia.

Lily.

This year's late night practices came with something extra; a dinner date! When I had a random craving for vegetarian 'bak kut teh', somehow, the half-awake Lily was there to share it. I have to admit, one of the things I will be missing from all the days of staying up at college will be the conversations I share with you over dinner. Thank you, Lily. I'll always remember your on-stage moment with that funky wig of yours - you know what I mean. *giggles*

The finale.

All in all, Malam Kebudayaan Melayu (MKM) 2011 has been a memory. Part of me is glad that it is over, but the other part is already missing the late night company. I guess that is basic human nature; always wanting what we cannot have.

Miss Sathya.

Miss Sathya, you have been the iron lady, our backbone. Your Hitlerina-ness was with us that night, no doubt. Your spirit, your undying strength and unquestioned faith in us carried us through - at least for the choral speakers and me, it did. They love you. I love you. Get well soon.

KDU lovelies, thank you for the memories.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Attachment, Rumours, Dreamgirls.

2011-07-21T01:05:00.000-07:00

The amount of things that I have coming my way since the past few days have been somewhat overwhelming; the intensity, the demands, the people, everything. These issues that are waiting to be unravelled are turning me into a kettle of boiling water waiting to blow its whistle. The frustration is showing, especially in my short-tempered self lately - not that I have not been all these while, but it seems to be getting worse.

I told myself that God must really think I am capable to have given me so much at one go.

I want to believe it is true.

I have heard about myself from so many other people, and somehow, they seem to have more faith in me than myself. Perhaps it is normal for someone like me who demands nothing but the ultimate best from myself to feel this way. Yet the line between self-bashing and self-motivation is so fine. It is the source of energy and drive that makes the difference, I reckon. Am I choosing to be driven by the fear of not being good enough, or to be driven by the projection of success?

Even relations with people aren't as easy as it seems. I have attachment issues - with generally everyone. As independent as I may be, there are times that the need for company arises. I have close friends in my space, very understanding and loving ones. I really have them to thank for teaching me how to let go. Just the thought of leaving to the UK in September is heart breaking, perhaps even leading me to a dysfunctional self of late - having to leave everything behind to start over. Don't bother starting on the whole 'technology is advanced with Skype' because I would say what I tell everyone who has said that; it is just different being there with that person. Then again, I know that it is a much needed lesson for someone like me who has attachment issues.

Perhaps people who are almost strangers are picking up on my attachment issues, hence the rumour of whether I date girls or if I am straight. I feel that for the sake of my close circle of friends, I need to straighten this out. I am someone who prefers going out with a person individually. If I could, I wouldn't go out in groups because I feel that it defeats the purpose of wanting to spend time talking to one person alone - though I do go out in groups when we are a bunch of friends just wanting to have a good time together. So we sit in mamak shops till the wee hours of the morning, sit in the car and talk our hearts out, so we go out for Starbucks and take random photographs together; isn't that what all friends do in general? I have had a guy as a best friend for eight years now, and we have been teased as a couple oh-so-often. It drove me to write this;

"Back when we were all in school, when a guy and a girl are best of friends, people often teased them as a couple. Now when we grow up, when a girl and another girl or a guy and another guy are best of friends, people regard them as lesbians or gays. So much for growing up."

On a separate note, family and me went to Istana Budaya to watch Azura in the production directed by WJ's drama teacher, Joanna Bessey in Dreamgirls the Broadway Musical last night. Azura is one of the leads, playing Lorrell Robinson in the musical. From the bottom of my heart, I am just so proud of her. She is such a hard worker, a humble soul and just the most loving of persons. Watching her on stage, singing and dancing her heart out, I was brought to tears - especially the final two songs. Am so happy for you, babs!

The musical is staged everyday through till 24th July 2011. I will be going back for the final show. Trust me when I say that this is by far, one of the most impressive local productions I have ever watched. You can get your tickets online here. Hope you see you there on Sunday night!

Loves,

Ee Ping

Poem; Who Are You?

2011-07-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

What do you do,

In times of turbulence?

What do you do,

In times of hope?

What do you do,

In times of inspiration?

What do you do,

In times of desperation?

Who do you allow as your guide?

Where do you devote all your might?

Do you believe in totality,

The logics of the mind?

Or do you too consider,

The softness of the heart?

Trusting your gut takes courage.

Trusting yourself takes guts.

Trusting your heart takes faith.

Trusting in God will give you it.

Who do you want to be?

Which version of you is it that you adore?

Ever once pause to question,

"Why am I not that person I desire to be?"

Sometimes, more often than not,

Many people cut themselves short.

Some fear the possibility of failure,

Some shudder the need to get back up after a fall,

While others jump at open doors;

Seizing every chance that comes along.

What is your choice?

Take a pick.

Take a stand.

Trust,

And look back with a smile.

You are loved.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Bali Getaway & Lessons.

2011-07-09T04:45:00.000-07:00

So, the 10-day adventure in Bali with Anchoring the Light (ATL Ministry) and an extended stay in Club Med Bali finally came into being on the 1st of July. It was a much anticipated trip as Yee Xin, the sister/cousin and me had struck a deal that this trip was to be a reward for all the effort we put in for our exams. I knew that this trip was going to be soul food for me, especially with everything that has been happening pre-exams and post-exams; I was right.

This Bali trip was significant because the last time I was in Bali with Mum Dehyana and ATL Ministry, it was two years back when I first started college. This time around, I went back as a college graduate. I vividly remember sharing a conversation with Mum Dehyana and Jaime about how tough Mathematics was in college and how humbling it was to sit in class knowing absolutely nothing about the subject that was being taught. I am glad I pulled through.

Six days, 44 women; of sharing sessions, shopping, climbing, crying, laughing, spending hours in the bus, it was all pure joy. I wouldn't trade the hours spent with Mummy Jo in the bus, or slurping on a coconut after a 1700-step climb with Mummy, or sharing the packs of nuts with God Mum in the bus, or chatting till the wee hours of the morning with Yee Xin for anything. It was all a beautiful package.

This trip to Bali marked a healing, a breakthrough perhaps. I used to hold a strong resentment towards Mummy, for reasons that I myself did not know of - until the recent years with ATL Ministry. I have never shared it with Mummy even after discovering what it was, thinking that it was my path to walk. I was terribly mistaken. It was only in Club Med when we finally spoke openly about everything that I finally let her in on it; I could tell that she never would have guessed. (This is a very good example of the saying, "Tell people how you feel. They are not mind readers.")

I am glad that everything has finally come into light. Although I know that forgiveness is a gradual, ongoing process, at the very least, I know I am not alone. I am thankful for Mummy's openness in listening to it all and accepting me for who I am. I can now release that guilt I hold and allow myself the acquaintances I love so dearly, Mummy included.

I have beautiful motherly figures in my life represented by several lovely women. For readers who do not already know, in the photograph collage above are Mummy on the top left, Mum Dehyana on the top right, God Mum Viv on the bottom left and Mummy Jo on the bottom right. I do tell people that it is not easy being my Mum because of the person that I am, and I constantly tell them that my parents have done a tremendous job with me because I may not know how to manage a child like me - not until the need arises, I reckon.

With that, I honour you, Mummy, for being the ever loving mother that you are. You are my greatest teacher, and my forsaken friend no more. I am awake to your love. I can never forget this line that you said, "What I did not have with/from my mother, I always want you to have with me."

Just awhile ago, I came across this phrase in the book, The Impact Code by Nigel Risner that said, "You have to do it by yourself, but you can't do it alone." How profoundly true.

All in all, the 10 days in Bali was lovely. If there is one word to describe the 43 other women who travelled together for the six days with ATL Ministry, it would be 'love'. No matter the age, these women empower me to be a better Ee Ping. They are inspirations just by being themselves. On top of that, I learnt how oh-so-convenient it is to wear dresses, maxi dresses especially. The only things I came back with from Bali aside from everything that I brought with me; 8 new dresses, a heart of love and a renewed relationship with Mummy.

I love you, God.

I am playing your game.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Daddy's Day!

2011-06-19T07:59:00.000-07:00

I watched this video quite some time back, but it resurfaced again after a friend shared the link on Facebook. Since it is Father's Day, it couldn't have been a more appropriate video to share. Spare yourself three minutes and watch this. It made me tear.

Daddy watched it while waiting to board his plane home from Africa after two weeks of travelling Tanzania, Ghana and Nigeria for work. He said this in response to the video;

"My dear Ee Ping, it bring tears as I watch while waiting at Nigeria airport departure because I recollect an almost similar event. You collapsed after hitting your 4th gold medal in Form 3 and you insisted and went on to win your 5th gold medal! I knew you ran for LOVE!"

I ended up in more tears reading it.

Though Daddy isn't physically around for Father's Day, thought I would share some "Daddy Facts" with you; simple humorous and heart warming moments that I shared with Daddy throughout the years.

Daddy used to lock me out of the house when I climbed the gate with my neighbour to see who reaches the top first.

Daddy used those huge olden day video camera that could fit a VHR tape inside to record my childhood moments. I still have them.

Daddy is a community man. Even at the factory, the workers adore him. He's a people's person. Hence, I have learned to share him with the world.

Daddy was deputy of the Parent-Teacher Association when I was in school. Whenever he gave a speech and spoke about me, I have never felt happier (although I never really showed it).

Daddy brings me along for most of his community meetings and events. I was like his personal assistant. He is the reason why I involve myself in it too.

Daddy used to be the last person I would tell about a fall or injury because I was always so afraid of getting scolded. Even when I fell from my bicycle (while racing with some boys) when I was six years old, I told Mummy not to call him. I ended up with six stitches under my chin.

I used to sit on Daddy's back when I was a baby, putting powder on his back and giving him what I used to think was a massage. It was caught in one of the VHR recordings.

When I was a kid, I would wait for Daddy to come home and feed me milk, no matter how late it was.

As a kid, when Daddy read the newspapers, I would constantly quiz him about who's who in the photographs. I wanted to meet them all (Bill Clinton and Tun Mahathir were among them). He found a way to make it happen. He gave me a piggyback ride while lining up in the long line during Tun Mahathir's Hari Raya Open House - it was for a good few hours.

Daddy started me off with junior golf lessons; I used to dread it. Now, I am ever thankful.

Daddy brought me out to mamak every night since I was about 5 until I was about 15 years old. We'd just sit and chat about our day.

Happy Father's Day, lovelies!

I will be away for the rest of the week for a compulsory course through till Friday. Daddy's coming home tomorrow afternoon, but am unable to see him as I am leaving in the morning. Shall give him a real, tight hug on Friday when he picks me up. I can't wait!

Loves,

Ee Ping

Poem; Of Gives and Takes.

2011-06-16T11:10:00.001-07:00

I am a friend.

I can be a very good friend.

I can be that person for you to fall back on,

For you to turn to as a shoulder to cry on,

For you to look upon for advice,

For an anchor of emotional support;

For some words of comfort.

It would be nice too,

If I were that person you go to with joyous news,

When you are happy,

When you are blissful,

When you have a smile to share.

Being a negativity absorbant isn't exactly balanced,

Nor is it healthy.

I am human.

I have a heart too.

BUT,

I also know that unconditional love is a huge lesson.

I know that being unconditional is a gift.

I know that being a friend is all about giving.

Sometimes,

Just sometimes;

It gets a little tiring.

Trust me when I say that my heart bleeds.

It feels the piercing pain when I see you gravitate to someone else,

It feels the lonesome isolation when you leave;
The hurt I feel deep inside when you step away.

I do not understand why I don't say what I want to say to you.

I do not understand why I don't tell you I love you.

I do not understand why I withhold love from you.

I do not understand why I don't understand.

Instead of embracing you in my arms,

Instead of hugging you tight,

Instead of telling you not to go,

Instead of saying I miss you;

I push you away.

I push you away in fears of possible hurt.

I push you away in hopes that you will fade.

I push you away in gruesome dismay.

I push you away with a very heavy heart.

I am heartbroken.

I am almost drowning in my own emotions.

I am feeling like you are worth the fight.

Somehow, you do not feel the same.

I am heartbroken.

Not because you do not love me,

Not because you do not care,

Not because you pushed me away,

Not because you cared so much about everyone else;

But because I did not fight for you despite loving you.

I believe that it is your choice to make and not mine.

I believe that I am better off on the sidelines.

I believe that you will see how important you are one day.

I believe that you will come around when you choose to.

Despite loving you,

Despite caring for you,

Despite carrying such feelings towards you;

I am walking away.

You are free, little bird.

You are free.

Choose,

And you will be chosen.

Love,

And you will be loved.

Because I love you.

Loves,
Ee Ping

Uncapping Issues.

2011-06-16T02:04:00.000-07:00

We all know how good it feels to be free.

Yet, more often than not, we refrain from it.

What fear can uncertainty bring when God is with you all the way?

All it takes is trust in God, and all will be well.

The four photographs illustrates so much liberation that the feeling itself is beyond words. That is the actual visualised emotion that I had perceived I would feel after having completed my final A-Levels examinations; I was greatly mistaken. What I had done during the examination season is beginning to backfire. I had actually put a stopper to all the issues I was facing, literally blocking everything from coming on to the surface because I wanted to focus. Now that the academic focus is no longer needed and that exams are done and over with, the stopper has to be removed. Despite the fears of what an influx of issues might do to me, I did. Hence the emotional instability lately.

I must admit, it has been a struggle,

And no struggle is ever easy,

But God never leaves me alone.

In a struggle, God always sends Her Angels; to help, to cherish and to love. Sometimes it amazes me, how someone who was once a stranger could be someone that ends up being such a dear friend. It is somewhat a relief that I am done with college, because now, I am just a friend, not a student, but a friend. There is a line that distinguishes a very good friend; someone who has seen me cry - no, not from watching movies or shows like Grey's Anatomy, but someone who has listened or spoke to me about issues, and saw me through it in tears. She's been there, she's heard it, she's seen it all - and she stayed by me. There is so much to be thankful for in life, but God, I thank you for the lady in the photograph above. She means a whole lot to me, and I cannot thank you enough for bringing her into my life. ♥

Daddy is still travelling Africa and I am thankful that I can still talk to him via BBM. Through all the things that I have had to think about and go through since the past few days, I miss him more than ever. Perhaps this is a good prepping situation to give me a tinge of what I would have to feel when I am in the UK. Nonetheless, I am still holding the fort of my emotions. Going through what I have been dealing with the past few days, I told him I needed a hug, he said,

"Whatever you are dealing with, you have my love and best wishes. Other than that, Daddy will give you my biggest hug and kisses online."

What's not to love in this life, really?

Thank you, God.

Thank you.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Egypt; Verbal and Visual.

2011-06-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

Dearest readers,

As I have promised myself after the trip to Egypt, I will get to editing the videos shot there after my exams. Below are some videos that I had recorded, self-narrated and edited to share.

Enjoy!

Loves,
Ee Ping

Goodbye, College.

2011-06-09T04:56:00.000-07:00

Appearing in a college advertisement;

From the left,

Yours truly, Wei Fang, Boy, Lucas, Evelyn, Adrian, Elaine and Eva.

Well, as quickly as the two years in Sri KDU passed (you can read about it here), my two-year stint in KDU College is coming to an official end come 2pm tomorrow afternoon. If you are wondering, the high school and college transition had nothing to do with a preference towards KDU, but rather compliments of a scholarship that came in to finance my entire education life post-high school, including a complete three-year degree in the UK.

What can I say, college has been a somewhat bittersweet experience. To be fair, every experience is bound to be that way since there is always two sides to a coin. Despite the two years of unexplainable hard work, a sense of independence (compliments of Daddy and Mummy for granting me a car), I found love. No, I did not meet a man whom I think I would marry, but rather people who are now forever a part of my heart.

Miss Hema.

She was previously a lecturer who taught us English (as scholars it was a compulsory requirement for us to complete the New South Wales English, hence the lecture). Let's just say I never thought she was very approachable, honest to God! She was rather stern, and very strict. She is definitely not one of those lecturers you would want to mess with. Try it, and you will understand what I am talking about. I'd think she is relatively young, but highly qualified as a lecturer - her students' results speak for itself. Getting to know her as well as I do now is somewhat a very remarkable journey. For lovelies who missed out a little on what I have wrote previously, you can read it here. Let me just say that being a close friend to a lecturer (although she doesn't teach you anymore) can be quite a challenge. Reason being, it is supposedly not "normal". If you know me well enough, you would know that I do not do "normal". After all, who are we to define normality.

What I share with her, is something beyond a friendship. For someone to tear down their walls of security, open up with a possibly vulnerable heart, in trust that you have nothing but care for them; that is love. An understanding that we will stand by each other, an unspoken sense of support; I will definitely miss sitting by your cubicle and chatting the hours away, Miss Hema. Love you to the bits.

Miss Sathya.

If it is any co-incidence at all, Miss Sathya, Miss Hema and I are all Aries - fire signs if you will. The iron lady, one we regard as the female Hitler, Hitlerina; Miss Sathya. If there were any word in the dictionary that would actually describe her fairly well, it would be 'hardcore'. She is not as fierce as she appears to be, never let her appearance overshadow that heart of gold of hers. When my 20th birthday came this year, I knew that she had to be there. Despite not having as much verbal conversations, there is a certain level of familiarity that we share. Perhaps words can never illustrate what I feel, but that intangible feeling is what pulls us together. Her energy and determination never fail to fuel my desire to achieve what I know I can, with just that little extra push. She has her ways of maneuvering students to discover their potential, to recognise it and continually pursue without a strike of doubt; at least I know that was what she did for me, be it directly or indirectly.

Miss Sathya, one of the reasons I will never regret coming to KDU College; you.

AL 609.

As for my batch mates, boy, have they been an amazing bunch. The ups and downs that came along with it were part of the package. The joy, sweat and tears made us who we are today. People who think of scholars as solely academically-focused students are greatly mistaken. Studying with the bunch of scholars is a learning lesson; everyone has various methods of studying, and we all do what works for us. We pulled off event after event with great success, we mend broken bridges after literally lighting them up in flames, not to mention their extravagant patience with me when I ask the most simple of questions in Mathematics; for that, and for so much more, AL 609, I am ever grateful.

With that, this one-day-early article is done. When tomorrow comes (which is a really packed day hence the early posting), I will bid college goodbye, give myself a little breather and welcome a new phase of life with open arms.

Here is to the most amazing memories,

The greatest of love;

And an exciting future ahead.

Thank you, God.

You are simply amazing.

Dearest readers,

You are the reason Piggydotcom is what it is today.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Focused Fun.

2011-06-05T22:47:00.000-07:00

The week.

The past weeks have been joyous, that much I would give. The post-Egypt feeling is still lingering, but in a very different way. Exams have been an amazingly exciting part of the equation. Despite having spent the past few weeks studying, it took some courage and clarity to have myself some fun; spending time with the family for a movie night out, catching up with dearest of people for a cup of tea, taking some time off writing and just to spend some time with me.

Exams have always been pretty strenuous on me. Personally, I had always held on to the belief that stress is always part of exam periods. I never once stopped to question it. Instead, when the stress fails to kick in, I worry - which would then spark off all the stress I need to feel secure. I have written on this before, but I think it ended on a different note. I often give in to stress, feeling the need to have that push in order to excel in examinations.

This time around, I am taking on a new approach. Stress need not be part of exams. Why can't exams be fun? Why should I fill myself up with such negative energies when it comes to examinations? So I study, so I give it my best, so I pace myself; then, allow God do the rest. That is it, really. That is all that matters. It demands total honesty with myself, nonetheless. No easy way out, no excuses, no cover ups; just the truth. Have I given it my all? Yes. That is it.

So tomorrow is the day; the first day of my A-Levels A2 examinations - in other words, my finals. I have it all lined up over four days before I bid college goodbye and God willing, welcome Loughborough University as my next phase of life. With God by my side, with my efforts invested and devoted, I believe that God knows best, and in total faith, I trust.

Having said all that I have, here is a little precious photograph I thought I would share. The photograph above is of Sebastian and me. He is the extremely cheeky and adorable 3-year-old nephew of mine. With children, I believe, it is the means of communication that determines how nice they are to you. Sometimes, suppressive words and instructions make a child more rebellious, it pretty much fuels their desire to do everything you told them not to. I am not advocating reverse psychology (not that I disagree), but I am just saying that different children respond to different things. With Sebastian, he responds well when it is just the two of us, and we talk things out. He gets it. Children are brilliant, if only we acknowledged that more. Embarrassment is the worst crime in upbringing. To be fair, no adult or child would want to be embarrassed, period.

On a separate note, I had the pleasure of watching Kung Fu Panda 2 last night with the family. For those who have watched, you would be familiar with the concept that Po (the panda) had to grasp; inner peace. There was a particular scene in the movie where Po ended up screaming in frustration whilst on the boat because he just could not get the concept of inner peace. At that split moment, the scene reminded me of the movie Eat, Pray, Love where Elizabeth (played by Julia Roberts) was fidgeting while attempting to meditate. I could totally relate to that feeling. Here's the video of that scene. I honestly feel that the term 'monkey mind' is very well illustrated here. Enjoy!

With that, I count my blessings.

God is great all the time.

The presence of Angels are constantly felt.

Words of guidance constantly emerges.

Thank you, God.

I love you.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Focus; what do you know?

2011-06-02T22:31:00.000-07:00

Flickr; ihtatho.

It is clear,

That when ends are near;

We naturally fear.

What is it that we fear though, do you know?

Uncertainty lingers.

Control beyond reach.

Truth be told,

We are all control freaks.

What we cannot control, we cease to want.

What we can control, we hold close.

What we cannot forecast, we tend to throw.

Ever wondered what could reassure the uncertainty?

Though not making it certain,

At the very least, making you feel a little more secure;

Focus.

A word so simple,

A word so vague,

A word so predictable;

But what do you know?

Focus is about attention.

Focus is about time.

Focus is about love.

How much do you love yourself?

For love is no hocus pocus,

Do you love yourself enough to focus?

Love is real, genuine and pure.

Then again, what do we know.

Desire gives birth to will.

Will gives birth to strength.

Strength gives birth to focus.

Focus gives birth to results.

The strength of your desire determines everything.

How badly do you want it?

What are you willing to put up with?

How much can you endure?

Focus, my dear, focus.

Everything will fall in place.

Yes, along with all those As.

Flickr; Marc Johns.

Poetry, I have missed you so.

This one's for you, dearest readers.

You are the reason I am who I am today.

Thank you.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Love, and Let Go.

2011-05-31T21:52:00.000-07:00

Time and time again, Miss Letting Go drops by my life, knocking on my door in hopes for me to revise the lesson. As piercing as physical pain may be, letting go while loving is quite the challenge. Letting go is so much easier when someone does something "bad", justifying the reason to "let go"; in other words, to walk away in spite and self-righteousness. That so called "letting go" is nothing close to peace, perhaps on the polar opposite end of it. It takes strength to let go with love, in love and for love. Don't you think so?

Despite being seen as an independent bee who travels with the freedom of mobility and enjoys quiet time alone, it is an uphill task for me when it comes to letting go, be it physically or emotionally. Physical detachment and emotional detachment carry so many lessons. A very simple illustration; when I meet someone who relates well, the excitement that surges through will want to stick around more, hence wanting to speak or be with that person more often, laying the foundation for attachment. Yet again, attachment and enjoying the company of a person is a fine line. The difference; awareness.

All it takes to let go, is a decision made with strength and clarity. It is the ability to love, enjoy one's company, share a little laughter, share a little joy and leave with an open heart, holding that person(s) inside with thoughts of prayer and love. Ever met someone with such a loving soul that despite not meeting for a couple of years, she embraces you with open arms when you meet next, as though it was just yesterday?

We all have the light in us. We all have the knowledge in us. All that is needed is the ability to remember it. Rekindle the spark. Ignite the light in you. Set yourself free.

What I write on Piggydotcom is but a self-reminder that is shared with you, dearest readers. It is but a notebook of thoughts that is left open for the world. I am who I am, because of the lessons I learn with you. It is to you, that I am forever grateful.

Thank you, dearest readers.

You are amazing.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Emotionally Constipated.

2011-05-30T05:20:00.000-07:00

The most interesting times of my life is often when I am out of my comfort zone. It is when I am challenged, pushed over the edge, faced by a mental block - basically in an uncomfortable state that I am forced to look at how to deal with it. In times of contentment (which normally doesn't last very long), my growth rate stands at zero. Then again, when my world is rocked and turned upside down, there is no guarantees that I grow either. Wanting to grow is a choice. Wanting to go higher with my choices is also a choice by itself.

What do you want, Ee Ping?

I have been holding a certain sense of frustration inside me that has been emerging in a disguise of short tempers. No, this is not an article of disclosure about what it is because it is only fair for me to deal with it personally first before sharing it with you. I have been feeling stuck, quite congested internally. Perhaps emotionally constipated would be a precise term, a little odd, but very accurate.

The combination of photographs in the collages illustrate my journey; of being frustrated, numb, furious, isolated and transforming into a glimpse of hope, light, revelations and finally, clarity. It is a process, that is for sure. For now, I have just restarted the circular journey once more. Welcome to my life, dear readers. This is as real as it gets. Things that pop up in my life from time and time again will continuously repeat as a pattern until and unless I learn from it. This time around, I will make sure I choose love.

Here is to a loving life, at least for today.

One day at a time, as God Mum always says.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Assumed, Thought, Experienced.

2011-05-29T00:41:00.000-07:00

Some people thought I went on a vacation - right before my exams.

Some people thought I went on an adventure - right before my exams.

Some people thought I was being crazy - right before my exams.

Truth be told,

I did go on a vacation,

I did go on an adventure,

I did go crazy (when am I ever not);

And yes, right before my exams.

The pay off from the trip is remarkable.

Here is why.

I found peace.

I found my limits - none.

I found inspiration and hope.

And along the way, I had myself a great time.

This trip to Egypt was such an amazing experience so much so that talking about it now feels like I never went, as though it was all a dream. No one may comprehend this feeling, maybe some would, but to put it out into words would be an impossibility.

Before leaving to Egypt, I did have pre-departure jitters. Doubts popped up like mushrooms after the rain - and it did not help that I had a History test to sit for right after the trip. So I thought, pack my History books along with me, take a friend's advice and read whilst in the airplane. That plan failed miserably. Then, I thought, I would read at night after the day ended. That did not work out well either. There would be some nights I sleep as early as 9pm because we were to meet at 4am and leave to a temple. So, when was I to study? A very clear, distinct answer dawned along the trip; when I got home.

It was a huge lesson of being present, to understand my focus and outline my priorities. Studies is still a priority, a joyful one too, but I needed that lesson of living in the present place and time. Eventually, few days into the trip, I managed to totally let go of that thought, that need to study when my heart was in the tour; I surrendered it to God.

When I got home, I struck right into business. Photographs, sorted out over two days. Group photographs, uploaded the day after. Studies, back on track like I never left.

This is an awesome feeling.

Studying for an exam has never felt better.

I am grateful.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Motherly Love.

2011-05-27T19:20:00.000-07:00

Mummy.

I am blessed that throughout the 20 years of my life, I have a mother who brought me to life, watching my every step, making sure that I am padded when I fall, making sure I had my milk in the morning and night, ensuring me that bad dreams were just dreams and not real, telling me that it is alright to be me even when others think it isn't; she has always been there. As I grew up, perhaps I grew out of that little girl she used to doll up. I vividly remember her reminiscing about the days where I would sit by her lap and let her tie my hair, and how I used to be that little girl she used to sing nursery rhymes with in the car; I guess she misses that little girl. I can almost hear it in her voice. As I grew up, things changed, I went through a phase of clamping up only to discover Anchoring the Light Ministry through her persistence in getting me into it. I have Mummy to thank for having ATL in my life. It has never been the same, ever.

Mum Dehyana.

Mum Dehyana facilitates workshops and trips in ATL Ministry. To say the least, she founded it. I have her to thank for shining the light in my darkest days. She never gives me direct answers, but she leads me towards them. If you do not know what tough love is, get into ATL and you will understand. There is so much I can say about the years in ATL, but it is all a learning experience that really has no words to describe. ATL brought along many lovely people in my life; mother figures especially. Mum Dehyana is definitely one of them.

God Mum Viv.

Familiar readers of Piggydotcom would know God Mum Viv by now. Our story goes back all the way to when I first started with ATL. You can read some of it dated back in June 2008 here. When I first met her, I was a vulnerable kid who knew nothing more than school and friends, who did not really have much self-esteem or courage to really speak to someone with an open heart. She taught me how to; by demonstrating it. She lives two hours away in Melaka, which means we don't meet very often, but I have learnt to keep her in my heart hence bringing her everywhere I am. Her favourite quote, "Hearts and minds are joint, but bodies aren't." By the way, she spookily sends me text messages at the most precise of timings that it scares me sometimes - like a few seconds ago while I was writing about her.

Mummy Jo.

For those who has been reading through my articles since I got back from Egypt, you would be familiar with Joanne a.k.a. Mummy Jo. If you haven't read the first post-Egypt write up, feel free to read it here. If there is one thing Egypt brought into my life, it would be the bond I now share with her. There is so much to love in her, so much to admire and so much to learn. Despite the brief few weeks of relation, the feeling of love prevails. The willingness to spend time together, the random updates and deep conversations; nothing is really quite like it.

I have ATL Ministry to thank for all the motherly love in my life. Ultimately, I have Mummy to thank for introducing me into ATL to begin with. If it was not for her, I would have never had Mum Dehyana, God Mum Viv and Mummy Jo in my life. It is a true blessing.

I am most thankful, grateful and loved.

Thank you, Mummy.

Thank you, God.

Loves,

Ee Ping

How vulnerable are you?

2011-05-25T21:21:00.001-07:00

Dearest readers,

This article is a very personal account,

Almost like a confession.

It is an honour to be able to share this with you.

I love you, each and everyone of you.

Thank you for being a part of Piggydotcom.

So, I have always had a wall that I surround myself with, especially around unfamiliar people. I used to think that laying behind those walls would keep me secure, keep me safe and far from possible hurt - simply because I did not lay my trust on anyone. A very simplistic and perhaps idealistic concept, but definitely not practical. These walls that were supposedly my fort made me grow into a hardened up self, someone with a heart of stone who could not really comprehend love or care because I never bought into those ideals. I used to think that when I care for someone, I would be open to inevitable hurt because one day, this someone will disappoint. Although to some extent true, the hurt is not inevitable, it is possible but not certain. Who am I to say if this person is going to hurt me or not? Who am I to cut myself short from loving someone, or even to let love into my life?

All those photographs you see of me jumping in the air, making funny poses and what not; it all started with a simple concept of being vulnerable. Ever noticed how people tend to smile or pose for a picture when they know they are being photographed? Well, a jump shot (at the beginning stages) is by far the most natural pose anyone can have in a photograph - until they get used to it and start training themselves to artificially strike a pose or expression. My journey of vulnerability started with that - a jump shot. Through the years, I have been able to consciously control myself whilst in air, which is why I have photographs that looks like a meditative state. Although it all started with the greatest of intentions, I believe I have slowly grown to cave in again - but this time, catching it at the nick of time before I totally freeze up my emotions.

Vulnerability for me, is a day to day struggle, even with the closest of family and friends. I may not know if it is for you, but it is a constant need of clarity to be vulnerable - with wisdom of course. Piggydotcom and Twitter has helped me in my process of vulnerability, not in the way of reporting where I am on FourSquare (because I simply do not understand the need for that), but in a way of coming clean with my emotions. It is a very fine line between being vulnerable with my emotions and seeking attention through this revelation of emotions - a line sometimes too thin to define. What differentiates the two is how I feel when emotions come to light, how I feel when people know how I feel. Sometimes it is tough to put these moments into words because feelings are something so intangible, no word could actually express it quite accurately.

I have been brought to question myself lately; how vulnerable are you, really? This is an example of a self-interrogation that has been going on lately;

"So you say you live with your feelings and emotions on your sleeves, so you say that you express how you feel when you feel it, but how loving are you in expressing those feelings?"

It provoked a whole lot of thought. Simply because it demanded that I straighten up my backbone and learn to own up to my misdoings. I have been so conceptualized, so "by-the-book" that everything seems factual more than practical, and when I encounter problems in realizing these theories in reality, I get frustrated; leading to a horrible outburst of mood swings - and so I thought I was all that. I was terribly mistaken.

On the outside, I appear to give out the vibes of independence and strength; that is the Ee Ping you will know when I have all the clarity in the world. On the inside, there is a rather insecure child who felt like she grew up a little too fast, having to live through growing up as a rather outcasted individual, having to have tried everything to fit in - only to realise she did not have to. I am sometimes conflicted. More often than not, writing helps in keeping me clear; especially in times like these. Ever noticed how when thoughts are merely kept as thoughts in the mind, it tends to exaggerate issues to such an atomic extent that it causes unnecessary worry and anxiety? Yes. That is when writing and having someone trusted to talk to helps, but do also be wary about the 'victim consciousness' that may sneakily slip in to play the game of, "I am so pitiful, I have so many problems, etc.."

Complicated? Perhaps.

Hard work? Yes.

Worth it? You bet.

It is all a choice. I am choosing to grow.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Willpower.

2011-05-23T00:46:00.000-07:00

How badly you want something will determine how much you are willing to do to get it, and how willing you are depends on how strong your willpower is to make that desire a reality. Throughout the years that I have been student (which is technically all my life because I have not yet got myself a degree to complete that whole studying process), I have realised that despite putting myself down, doubting myself, feeling like I am not good enough, bashing myself up for the slow pace, I have been able to pull myself through examinations after examinations fairly well. It is with the grace of God that I have been granted the strength of willpower; then again, nothing comes easy.

Willpower is not a constant variable. It is manipulative, subject to change every moment of everyday. Willpower ceases to make an effect when I forget my main goal. The human mind is so easily distracted, so easily diverted and so easily divided that an attention span can be as short as a few seconds. It takes clarity and determination to pull the mind back to its centre, realign it to the main goal; which at present for me, is the final examinations of my college life.

Willpower plays a role in everyday life. From as simple as waking up in the morning to going for an exercise because you know you have to; willpower is basic necessity. To be with willpower is to have your spine sitting tall, knowing what you want, and having enough willpower to see it through. Ever had one of those experiences where you start something and never finish it? That is because your willpower wiped out along the way. Reignite it, it is never too late.

My short-term goal for today; to get my sleeping hours back into a routine. For those who do not know, I sleep an average of nine hours a day - which probably explains my energy level in the day. Ever since I got back from Egypt, my sleeping hours have yet to be localised to say the least. I still sleep nine hours a day, but instead of turning in at 11pm or 12 midnight, I hit the sack at 5am in the morning, waking up at 2pm in the afternoon, doing nothing productive in the wee hours of the morning besides tossing and turning in bed. This is coming to an end today, simply because I am making a conscious decision to do different. Ee Ping's willpower will reign.

You can do the same.

Loves,

Ee Ping

What is Happiness?

2011-05-22T01:18:00.000-07:00

So the term 'happiness' seem to mean many things; new clothes, new car, a relationship, a trip, time spent with loved ones; but really, what is happiness?

Happiness is a feeling, no doubt. Based on the Oxford dictionary, the word 'happiness' is a noun. Based on the Ee Ping dictionary, happiness is when I finally accept things as they are. Unhappiness normally, more often than not sources out from the resistance towards certain things. When someone leaves my life, and I want them to stay, it creates the opposite of happiness. Be wary though, for it easily slips into a control issue. Happiness comes in many forms, through many people and sometimes, at the weirdest of times. An athlete may not have won a race, but when that athlete accepts the defeat as a triumph for having to have done his or her best, that tinge of happiness is felt.

Ever wondered the word to describe a sudden surge of joy that goes through your physique, almost feeling like an adrenaline rush? That is happiness - BUT, let me warn you that it is temporary. If it is any consolation, everything is temporary. There is a common saying, "This too shall pass," which precisely illustrates the impermanence of everything in the world. Please also note that impermanence and uncertainty are two very different things with a fine line differentiating them. Impermanence explains life's changes as a course of nature, while uncertainty explains the unknowing of what it is to come. (I am not sure if I am making sense to you but this would be my take on those two terms.)

Recently, on the trip to Egypt, I discovered a bond with a lady name Joanne. For those who do not know the story I wrote a few days back, you can read it here. In the past, I used to have issues of expressing myself - not that I don't anymore, but I have improved tremendously. I am not sure if you have had this experiences, but there are times where I meet certain people, and feel like I have known them forever when in actual fact, we have never met. It feels like a certain indescribable relation of which I used to be fearful of. It was only on this trip to Egypt that I learnt to talk about those feelings with no expectations or fear. This feeling to me is a sense of happiness, but when the logical mind attempts to explain it, doubts are bound to be brought up and soon, it may just stop me from talking about it altogether. I am glad my logical mind decided to take a backseat this time around, because I am glad that I have what I have with Joanne now. It took courage and clarity - and I am truly grateful for that, God.

Thank you for the seconds of happiness that I savor in every moment, for the love that you convey through all the lovelies in my life, for the parents who care unconditionally, for the brother who constantly mirrors me, for the life that you aligned so perfectly and for the person I am today.

God, you are amazing.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Suppressed Feelings.

2011-05-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

Suppression of any feelings is fatal. Allow me to illustrate why. On a humane term, feelings tend to be categorized into the good and the bad, or rather the positive and the negative feelings. Let's start with the positive ones.

Let us take appreciation and gratefulness for example. How many of us really do practice saying thank you, or expressing gratitude for the smallest of things? Do you realise that by expressing thanks, it encourages the person to do more and do better? Certain things that are done in everyday life tend to be done without awareness - or in other words, in ignorance. Not bad or wrong, it just is. If we had the knowledge, we would all do better, no?

Negative vibes on the other hand, is almost deadly. So I have learnt lately that when negative feelings or emotions are suppressed, it comes out as a passive-aggressive behaviour. Now, why does it sound so familiar? I have been there and done that; and sometimes still do. When I am angry and decide to keep quiet and just let what happens happen, it does not mean I am dealing with it, it merely means I sweep it all under the sheets. Does it settle the issue? No. Does it make me feel better? Maybe, for a little while before it all reemerges on the surface again. It takes strength, clarity and willpower to be able to express oneself from the space of love - no matter how enraged and furious one may feel at that point in time. When I am able to accomplish that, even just once, it makes me feel on top of the world. I kid you not.

Try it. You may never know what is installed for you. Plus, you have nothing to lose. Perhaps the people in your space might not take you seriously at the beginning, or maybe, they might just love you more with your openness. Get brave, get real. I am here if you need a listening ear.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Egypt.

2011-05-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

I have been travelling on several trips with Mum Dehyana through Anchoring the Light Ministry; to India numerous times, to Cambodia and Bali - Egypt was one of my many dreams. Perhaps it was because I have been self-financing my trips and Egypt was one that was a five-figure cost, something that might take me some time. When Mummy and Daddy asked if I had wanted to go on this trip with them, that joy was just beyond the skies and clouds and stars.

We spent about 14 days in Egypt. Notably, Egypt is in their post-revolution phase and there are several concerns as to the safety of being there in person. I must say this, Egypt is as peaceful as it can ever be, especially down south. The trip was designed in such a way that we travelled from the south of Egypt covering the temples from Aswan all the way to Cairo and then back to Malaysia. Whilst in Cairo, there was a protest that you may have heard about that happened on May 13th. We were sailing by the Nile in a cruise for our farewell dinner and we could visibly see and hear the protesters. You can read about it in this report by Al-Jazeera. This was something I noticed, the chaos is only in Tahrir Square where the protesters were in. Besides that, everyone else were just walking by doing their own thing. In other words, the danger is contained.

On this trip to Egypt, it has been a whirlwind of growth. The group of lovelies on this trip were just amazing. In no particular order, a huge thank you to Mum Dehyana, Mummy, Daddy, Jaime, Sue, Ann, Su Yin, Penny, Kum Ying, Jasmine, Manjeet, Uncle Sam, Aunty Karen, Kimmy, Uncle Cheng, Aunty Gim, Serena, Eunice, Grace, Joyce, Steve, Uncle Chin, Aunty Jenny, Zoe, Evelyn, Ericca, Joanne and Yim. You can see their Facebook profiles by clicking on their names. Of all the trips I have been on with ATL Ministry, this trip with this group of lovelies has been one of the most extraordinary one. I feel somewhat interconnected with everyone on this trip, it is just plain amazing. I had managed to speak to many if not all of them, over meals, spoke in private sharing stories; everyone have just been so loving. It was nice being 20 years old and amongst the most lovely of people. They lighted up a part of my heart, and it is a truly priceless gift.

This trip taught me to open up and let people into my heart, with no fear. Insecurities kill, literally. I have had my walls held high for a long time coming and I had feared trusting people wholeheartedly. On this trip, I found someone whom I connected on an unspoken but understood level. Somehow, something in me told me that I have known her for a long time, but yet have never really known her. I vividly remember listening to her one night, just the two of us, about how her life had unfolded and how it has been. Nothing could really top that feeling of familiarity - it was breathtaking. Her name is Joanne, and that is her in the photograph above. She has a lovely heart, so welcoming, so warm, I can just feel that love she has. I told her everything, of the familiar feelings I had when I met her, of the joy that we could relate, but also, of the insecurity I felt. The things she said was nothing but love, I felt it deep in my heart, and it will be something I will remember for life. Thank you, Joanne. I love you.

Despite being the youngest on the trip at 20, I felt like a part of the whole big family of lovelies. ATL Ministry has transformed my life through and through. It has been five years with Mum Dehyana, and it gets better and better along the way. The lessons that I have learnt from the workshops, trips and sharing sessions are things that many may never discover if it were just reading books. It is a sense of wholeness amongst the people of the circle, a sense of security and assurance and it is alright to open up emotionally without fear, the ability to be vulnerable and safe. From a conversation with God Mum last night, I guess I truly have changed. (I can almost hear myself saying, "You are not being hard enough on yourself, buck up!")

All in all, joining Anchoring the Light Ministry has indeed anchored love in my heart. With that, I have all the lovelies of ATL Ministry to thank, especially Mum Dehyana for all that she has said and done. It has been a beautiful journey, a lovely path and a warm embrace; I will always keep each and everyone of you in my heart.

Last but not least, to the very people who gave me life, thank you Mummy and Daddy. They have been constantly put in such difficult positions, especially with all the unconventional things that I always end up doing, facing the music from other parents when they are questioned on my convictions, letting me roam on my own even though they worry sick about my safety and wellbeing; my parents have been the most amazing people in my life, hands down. I even remember telling Mummy once that if I ever have a daughter like me in the future, I would probably faint. I guess I am a rebel in my own way, and yet my parents stand and stay by me. Amazing isn't it?

On that note, here is a closing prayer that I picked up from Anchoring the Light Ministry. You can find more of those from their website, just click on the name and it will redirect you there.

I love you, God.

I praise you, God.

And I thank you, God.

For by your Will,

And by your Grace,

I am,

A holy moving temple,

By which you have your being within.

So is it,

And so be it,

Amen.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Sai Baba, in my heart.

2011-04-25T23:12:00.000-07:00

Going to India for the first time, with long hair.

I am grateful for the chance to have been to Prashanti Nilayam in Puttaparthi 5 times over, with the group, Anchoring the Light and on my own over the duration of the past two years. Sai Baba has always been there when I went, and I count my blessings to have had gotten the front row token by chance whilst there with Baba stopping in his wheelchair right in front of me - just by looking into his eyes, it brought tears; tears of pure joy and happiness.

Welcoming the sunrise up at the Wishful-filling Tree.

Puttaparthi has always felt like home to me, and it still does. Sai Baba's presence is always felt, because he lives on in my heart. Where ever I am, he is. In all honesty, I had wished to fly in to Puttaparthi for the funeral tomorrow - but deep down, I know that Baba is with me, in my heart. It is a huge lesson that I am learning, and I am most grateful for all that Baba has done and still is doing, for me and for the world.

(For those who are flying in to Puttaparthi within the next few days, Sri Lankan Airlines has since increased their flights into Bangalore to cater for Baba devotees who wish to fly in to Puttaparthi.)

Jumping to the freedom of the soul along Chitravathi Road in Puttaparthi.

My solo trip to Puttaparthi, India took place 2 years ago when I was 18. It was a beautiful roller coaster ride that I can vividly remember, as though I just got back yesterday. Nothing in my life has been as testing, enjoyable and peaceful all at once - Puttaparthi truly lives up to the word 'magical'. Whilst I was there, with the limited internet connection that I had, I had managed to write about the most amazing day of the trip; losing my passport after being pick-pocketed.

Here is the post 'Beautiful Puttaparthi'. Upon arrival home, there was somewhat a withdrawal symptom, and not to mention the "India-influence" that I lived with for the next couple of weeks; wearing Ali Baba pants, with the gypsy-like shirts and a cloth sling bag - it felt authentically freeing. Here was the post on 'Post-India Syndrome'.

Going back to Puttaparthi alone, this time, with short hair.

Heading back to Puttaparthi has always been a grounding experience. I understand that it is not the place but the person and how the person relates to it, but I also understand that I feel most at home and at peace when I walk the streets of Puttaparthi. Despite it bustling through the afternoons, rising at 5am in the morning to the whispers of showering water and chantings from the mandir; nothing tops the feeling of living a life in Puttaparthi. When I meet devotees from other countries who lives in Puttaparthi for months and months having to renew their visa numerous times, I am not surprised. I understand why they feel the way they do, and I totally empathise with their need to go back there again and again, as though Baba is calling us home.

Back in Puttaparthi, bald, clean shaven.

Then there is this big question about how Puttaparthi is a comfort zone because it is so easy to be gracious, loving and free with all the amazing devotees around. Everyone in town, down to the shopkeepers are ever loving and ever joyful. There is no doubt in my mind that even the beggars on the street are as enlightened. Prashanti Nilayam, where Sai Baba resides has been the magnet of love from all around the world. Sai Baba has made Puttaparthi a hub for love. I know and understand that the real test is to be the same person that I am in Puttaparthi, outside of Puttparthi.

Will I be as gracious and courteous outside of Puttaparthi when I am in Malaysia?

Will I be as loving in KL city as I am in Prashanti Nilayam?

Will I feel as free and grounded in Subang Jaya as I am in the mandir?

Through and through, I can see why I have always returned to Puttaparthi. Every time I go back there, I leave a different person. Every time I leave Puttaparthi, I gain some sort of unspoken stability and clarity in my mind, something intangible but felt deep in my heart. I may return looking like an Indian gypsy (mind you, I love that look), but I return with a cleared conscience and conscious choices.

Life is a game, play it.

Life is a song, sing it.

Life is a challenge, meet it.

Life is a dream, realize it.

- Sri Sathya Sai Baba

Sai Ram.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Upbringing & Unity.

2011-04-04T03:47:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the innocence you used to have when you were a child? How you could walk up to any stranger, talk to them like you have known them for ages with no inhibition whatsoever? Do you remember being a child and asking for sweets just because you want them (even though you may have threw a tantrum or two when you didn't get them)? That is the bliss of being a child, a human being with the purest of minds - until we all grow up and download more and more information into the hard drive we call a brain. We did not lose that innocence, we merely forgot we ever had it.

I am not sure about you, but some people were brought up in ways that did not inculcate the art of questioning, simply because to some family units, it is labelled as a rude way of answering back (but of course, there is always a nice way to get your message across). Some families abide to the rule of head-nodding (a term that I came up with a few seconds ago), which is technically the code for 'agree-to-everything'. Ever heard of the saying, "They are always right because they are the parents,"?

Call me a rebel, but I do believe that parents are human beings as well, and every human being is bound to make a mistake or two from time to time. The difference however, lays in the labels we choose to put on ourselves and others. Please understand this, as a child to a set of parents, there is a level of respect that is given, but that respect need not mean unquestionable submission (at least not to me). I am thankful for a set of parents who have boldly allow me as their daughter to speak my mind, sometimes in ways more than one (and the occasional not-so-courteous ways). I regard it as a bold move because my parents do not only face the wrath of my sometimes-explosive-self, but they too face the music with other parents. I am more than certain that they have had some parents gone up to them, questioning their allowance of the way I, as their child converse with them (as my parents).

This is going to be a very sensitive phrase, but I am going to say it just to provoke some thought; some parents or elders tend to place themselves on a pedestal expecting a certain level of treatment from the younger ones. Mind you, this happens among youth and siblings too i.e. the elder sibling holding themselves up high as though they are better than the younger ones. Please accept this humble confession when I say that I do have my moments of being the elder sibling. Being seven years elder than my brother, I do come across moments where I feel like I am better than him - only to be reminded by some words of wisdom from the now, 13-year-old chap. My brother brings me down to the ground when I start to float on cloud nine, and for that I am grateful that I have a checker.

The point isn't that though. I am trying to focus on the reason why conflict tends to emerge amongst family members - even after all the claims that family is all we have at the end of the day and whatnot. Truth be told, I believe that the closer you are to someone, the more the friction that is bound to take place; hence the conflicts and arguments. Here is what I think is the reason behind it all; expectations.

When an adult, for example, carry his or herself on a level perceived to be higher than that of a young one, the problem emerges when the youth does not reciprocate with that expected "special treatment". Allow me to clarify that respect is an understood level of conduct in this manner, I am merely stating the expectations above that of respect. With that being said however, the expected level of respect varies with individual; both in adults and the young. Don't you notice how some adults are okay with talking to you (as a younger individual) like a friend while some hold themselves in a manner that is almost unapproachable? Of course, it also falls back on the question of how the young one carries his or herself.

This may be a one-sided claim because I am writing as a youth who is seeking to understand ways to bridge effective communication with the so-called grown ups, but one has to understand the grievances that I, as an individual amongst the youth feel. I shall word it out, point blank. Some adults expect to be addressed as 'uncle' and 'aunty' as a form of respect while some "modern adults" as I term it, refuse to be called that. They prefer to be addressed by name, and I for one, grew up calling everyone elder than me 'uncle' or 'aunty', or at the very least 'jiejie' (elder sister) or 'korkor' (elder brother). I end up finding myself caught in a state of confusion. I vividly remember asking an adult whom I had met when I was 16 if I should call her 'aunty'; she insisted that I called her by name. Unfortunately, the tale did not end there. When other adults heard me calling her by name, they came up to me and said I was not being courteous and that I should never call an 'aunty' by name. To my defense, I told them that the 'aunty' wanted it that way. Who do you think they sided with?

Up to this point, being a 20-year-old (which is quite an odd age to be in because now some little children call me 'aunty' too), I have yet to draw the line between addressing someone by their so called "generation title" or by name. This is just the mere term 'uncle' and 'aunty', don't even get me started on the conferred titles of Datuks, Datins, and the long list of possible titles. I mean no disrespect, but I am emphasising that these are merely titles. Perception of titles has to be broken down if equality and unity is to unfold.

So what if I am 20?

So what if you are 70?

So what if you are a man and I am not?

We are all still human beings, aren't we?

From the time we were born and brought into this world in this form of existence, we have been taught many different things. Growing up, some people tell us that we are boys and girls, while others say we are gays and lesbians. Then more labels develop as we are told that we are Chinese, Malays and Indians while others say us we are Buddhists, Islams and Hindus. So tell me then, when do you think this act of labeling will come to stop?

To me, it is when we choose to bring forth what we share rather what differentiates us.

Human beings need to be lifted higher. We need to see beyond race, religion, gender and culture. We ought to see that we are human beings. We have a body, we have a mind, but with different ways of thinking - that is it. If, we choose the very essence of differentiating and continue with the countless labels that are already going around, before you know it, the world will be divided into minute communities so much so that we divide ourselves based on our own doing. We were never born a different creature, we were all born human beings. Given, that we may all be brought to life with different purposes in hand, we are still very much one as a whole.

All these talk about division, about politicians and the people, about rulers and the citizens, about royalty and the poor, about students and the teachers, about parents and their children; we need to go higher. Be mindful as to go higher with love and respect. Be loving in going higher, be inspiring, lift others up along the way, let them join you to see what you see as a vision for unity. We can all make little differences in our lives and the lives of the lovely people around us.

The only question is, do you want to do it?

Loves,

Ee Ping

20 Years.

2011-03-27T00:17:00.000-07:00

Before I begin,

Allow me to clarify that my birthday isn't exactly here yet,

It is on 29th of March.

The whole process of coming to the birthday dinners is such a story itself. For the first time in a few years, I decided to have a slightly bigger than usual birthday celebration. Every year since I last remembered, I always celebrated with just dinner with my immediate family and sometimes a few relatives - that was as far as it went. This year's birthday however, marks several things; the final birthday before I head to the UK for the next three years, and also the recognition that teenage years are over.

The first dinner was on 19th of March with the girls back from high school. A lovely catch up with all the high flying, achieving girls, namely, Sarah, Celine, Chien Teng, Michelle, Tasha and Athira. It is almost unbelievable that I had seen some of them through their entire high school life. On top of that, to have seen how they have grown from little girls to leaders in their own fields and ways. It is such a humbling sight to see how far they have come and how bright their futures are. I am truly proud of them.

The second dinner on the 26th of March is a whole different story. Earlier in the week, on the way to the airport, I was having a conversation with Daddy and Mummy about the confirmed list of friends who were coming on Saturday. Daddy was on route to Shanghai, China for a business trip. Daddy had been expected to be home on Friday, but he had been so busy with work that he did not realise the changes to his flight details; he was only to arrive back in KL on late Saturday night. To be totally honest, I cried through the entire ride heading to the airport, it was piercing. He had forgot.

Growing up as Daddy's little girl, I have been pampered and showered with attention and time from him. He had been there for everything, my sports competitions, my award ceremonies, my birthdays - everything. On the year I finally decide to have a birthday dinner with a slightly bigger group of lovelies, he was not going to be around. That was a thought I could not bear. It was upsetting and terribly hurtful. It was the beginning of a week that was going on a downward spiral. From Tuesday on, despite having a tremendously hectic week planned, I still somehow managed to indulge in that terrible feeling of grief. After coming home that night, I sent Daddy an almost essay-long message telling him how I felt - it was brutal. He apologised. I continued by saying that an apology was not going to take away the hurt. It was just brutal.

The week was to unfold in a back to back manner, with days filled from mornings to nights, with nights being stretched to the fullest; I was an emotional wreck. I found solace in close friends, but it did not stop me from feeling how I felt - until that phone call with God Mum on Friday. It could not have came at a better time. She always pushes me to go higher. She can be somewhat a disciplinarian when it comes to life's lessons; but I needed that hard knock. I realised that I felt the way I felt because I forced myself to indulge in self-pity as a victim and refused to acknowledge that Daddy would not have done it on purpose. She told me to choose again, and I did. Before turning in on Friday night, I sent Daddy a text telling him that no matter how hurt and upset I felt, to have a safe flight home because I still wanted my Daddy back. Again, I cried myself to bed.

At past midnight, I was woken up. Daddy woke me up. He came back. He made it back. I was not dreaming, he really did made it back. It did not take more than a second for the tears to come rolling down. He told me to have faith. He told me not to stop believing. It was probably one of my most vulnerable moments in life. Just to have had him sitting on my bedside listening to my week was nostalgic. Not having him around to talk to about my days just felt incomplete (and I am pretty sure you are wondering in your mind right now as to how I would survive in the UK away from my family). Fret not, when the time comes, when the circumstances are different, I will survive.

Besides the family at the birthday dinner on the 26th of March, I had a few groups of friends over together for dinner; the Twitter/social networking friends whom I have gotten to know in person, Marina Mahathir, Juana Jaafar, Anas Zubedy and Christopher Tock. Then, there was the athletic bunch whom I had so much fun training and competing with, Shawna, Yi Lin, Lydia, Shiat Teen and Shiang Leng. Then, the Seafield bunch whom I had almost grown up with from the primary school years, Marvin, Jing Yi, Christine, Emily and Yuan Ping. Then, the lovelies from college whom I have to admit, are superwomen, Miss Sathya, Miss Hema and Livia.

A lovely catch up and a wonderful getting-to-know-each-other session, namely for Daddy and Mummy who are now more at ease when they know who my close circle of friends are. This is truly a heartfelt thank you to everyone who came for the dinner. A memory that will definitely remain carved in my heart for a long time coming, especially with the years that I will be abroad. With the remarkable technological abilities now, I am positive that keeping in touch is not as tough a task as it was. I am glad that the dinner was made possible. Thank you so much for spending your time with me that night, and my sincerest apologies that I had not spent as much time with you as I wished I could have. We will definitely catch up again before I leave, that is a promise.

Not forgetting, the owner of Las Carretas, Chef Victor and Madam who have treated me like their own. I have never met an employer so hands on, so humble and so welcoming like Chef and Madam. They have opened their lives and hearts to me. I am deeply blessed and grateful for their support and faith in me.

Finally, a heartiest thank you to the family who has made all this possible; Daddy, Mummy and WJ. Special thanks to Daddy for going the extra mile in getting the air ticket home. That surprise was the most priceless of presents any daughter could ask for on any birthdays. I know it has been a challenge being my parents (I am not the most obedient and silent of daughters), but I am thankful that you still stand by me despite all the rebellious moments I always tend to cough up. You have been amazing, more than any daughter and sister can ask for; thank you.

Here's to a year of love.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Food Road Trip & Proven Wrong.

2011-03-19T01:36:00.000-07:00

The recently launched Yes4G brought a couple of people together on a food road trip which was filled with calories. I did not know a drop of detail as to what was expected of me until last Saturday morning when everyone gathered at Ritz Carlton Hotel, KL (all I knew before that was that I was going to Penang for the weekend). Mummy being worried popped in after dropping me off, making sure that I was in safe hands - am always going to be her little girl, not that I am complaining.

A presentation done by Tan Sri Dato' Francis Yeoh was present alongside Wing K. Lee, CEO of Yes4G Communications that morning (and to my surprise, Andy Azwin was there too). With accordance to Yes4G's gadget, the Huddle, the presentation harped on the hiccup Steve Jobs suffered during the launch of the iPhone 4 while demonstrating the application, FaceTime. Allow me to illustrate. FaceTime is an application that enables video calls using wifi connections, basically linking up any gadgets that uses FaceTime i.e. Mac computers, iPhones and iPods. This however, is reliant on the wifi connection. When a public wifi connection is heavily used by a mass of users, the connection is bound to be slower, making the use of FaceTime buffer. We all know how annoying a buffering video call can be. You can watch this video of Steve Jobs experiencing just that. Video

The Huddle is a mobile wifi (some call it a mifi). Say I have a laptop, Blackberry and iPod Touch, all three gadgets can hook up to the wifi provided by the Huddle - which means that I can carry my wifi connection with me everywhere I go (assuming I do not have a data line). The convenience is remarkable, that much I will give. I tend to upload photographs fast, no later than a day it is taken. With the Huddle, I could actually do it almost instantaneously (where Yes4G has coverage). So, after feasting on breakfast and the opening addresses, we were loaded up into four Alphards along with the Yes4G's Sprinter; and the never ending eating began.

First stop, Bidor.

Next stop, Ipoh.

Finally, Penang.

I gained something from this trip that I never really expected to; I found genuine friends among the people who went on the #YesPenang trip. I had a perceived notion that was proven wrong, so terribly wrong - but this time, being proven wrong was a good thing. These bunch of people were such entertaining and fun characters that you just can't help but love them. Some of whom I had managed to really jive with were Arystle, (Mummy) Karen, Mei Ng, Vernon, Yoga, Chapree, Kelly, Bryan and Joshua (I apologise in advance for those I have missed out).

One of the most memorable moments of the trip - feasting on butter prawns with Arystle and Yoga. For the benefit of those who missed it, here's what happened. Each table was served with a huge plate of butter prawns. At our table, only Arystle, Yoga and I really got down and dirty using our hands to peel the prawns. By the time the plate was squeeky clean, the table next to us offered their almost untouched plate of butter prawns. No doubt, we jumped at it. The next thing you know, we were done with their plate too. On top of that, we now share so many inside jokes that no one will ever understand i.e. mango-orange juice, *cough*MeiNg*cough*.

Supper and home-bound.

To sum it up, it was not all that commercial a trip I had thought it would be. I guess being proven wrong is occasionally a good thing. With that being said, while waiting for our flight home from Penang, a crazy idea popped up in my head and the all-time sporting people joined me in it. The video below was what I had in mind - and they did it. Cheesy, cliche, call it what you may, it was all in the name of fun; at least I know I had fun. :)

Thank you for the joyful company, lovelies.

Loves,
Ee Ping

Words Don't Come Easy.

2011-03-09T07:43:00.000-08:00

Words that are scrambling in my mind now.

Break.

Time.

Space.

Love.

Endure.

Distance.

Hugs.

Cuddles.

Live.

Leave.

Return.

Plane.

Birthday.

Girls.

Athletes.

Halls.

Money.

Rent.

Appreciation.

Thank you.

Acknowledgement.

Self.

Internalise.

Friends.

Love.

Discipline.

Focus.

Determination.

Deadline.

Goal.

Achievement.

Noticed how I said 'Love' twice?

Can you tell what's running through my mind?

I miss the physical presence, but I don't need it.

I miss the hugs and kisses, but I don't need it.

I miss you, but I don't need you.

Still, I love to be with you.

I love the fact that you will be here.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Moments To Live For.

2011-03-01T05:42:00.000-08:00

I live for moments like these.

There are moments in time that may only happen once.

There are moments in time that may come by again.

There are moments in time that you may want to forget.

There are moments in time that you just want to keep.

You can never put a price to support.

No real value can ever be placed on friendship.

Authenticity is of a price greater than money.

In these moments, memories are as good as permanent tattoos.

Of all the years that will go by,

Nothing will change how I felt in these moments.

Moments like these make life worth living.

Moments like these allows me the chance to be there for a friend.

Moments like these bring up true emotions and feelings.

Moments like these last forever.

Of all the years of being the kid,

I finally feel like I have grown up to you, Zurrs.

Still 10 years younger nonetheless. :)

Loves,

Ee Ping

Why I return to High School.

2011-02-26T00:52:00.000-08:00

From the left; Nisha, Celine, Sarah and I.

People who ask me why I go back to my high school, Sri KDU so often never really understand what awaits me there. I am turning 20 in a month's time and still feel like I graduated from high school just yesterday. High school is never the same when there aren't anyone you know there anymore. It isn't as much fun as it is when there aren't friends around. The girls in the photographs are the reason I still head back to school every now and then. They shriek and run over, hugging me tight every time they see me. That was five years ago - nothing has changed.

With Sarah, Rebekah and Celine in 2009.

Sarah, Celine and Rebekah (who shifted school in 2010) were juniors I got to know almost as soon as I transferred to Sri KDU when I was 16. The three of them are Yellow house runners who never failed to deliver a gold, whether it be individual or team events. The three of them were also school runners, so you can pretty much imagine their strength as a team when put together. Through all the years I have seen them run, they have always created new records for their relays, making it a point to break their own record the following year. They define the very meaning of teamwork and determination. No matter the injuries, competitors or obstacles, they have always came through and made it to the top.

With Sarah the Yellow House Captain,

and Celine the Head Prefect in 2011.

I used to train alongside them when I trained for the Sports Day every year. Sports house practices were extra fun with them around, but don't let their age cloud you. They are focused and down to business every time a training takes place. I am not much of a top notch runner, but it was enough to place some competition among the runners in school. With the trainings I got from Sir Zul when I was 17, I merely transfered as much information as I could remember to the girls. With such a feat throughout the years, these girls eventually became what I would call, the 'Golden Girls'.

After completing my high school education, I occasionally returned to school for Yellow house practices. These girls obediently did everything I asked, even if it meant that their legs were to ache like never before the following day. The spirit they inculcate are truly admirable. Whenever they run a race, I never fail to have butterflies in my tummy, especially in the moment right before the gun fires. As they pass on the baton from the first to second, third and the final runner, you will always see me screaming my heart out by the side of the track. God knows if they hear me, but the adrenaline that goes through me feels like I am the one running. These girls never fail to make me proud. They are winners in my eyes, with or without a medal.

On the left, Sarah receiving the torch as Captain of Yellow house.

On the right, Celine leading the march pass as Head Prefect.

Sarah and Celine surprised me this year. I remember the jaw dropping moment when I first found out Celine was bestowed the Head Prefect position and even more when Sarah was voted Captain of the Yellow house. These two girls never fail to amaze me. At the Sports Day yesterday, Celine, as the Head Prefect kicked off the march pass by leading the prefect's in a disciplined march followed by the reading of the athlete's oath before the start of the athletic races. Sarah on the other hand, did the Torch Run as Captain of the Yellow house. Standing by the track, looking at Celine lead the march pass and seeing Sarah receive the torch was definitely one of the proudest moments of my life. It also hit me that these girls are all grown up now; capable and well-rounded.

With Michelle in 2011.

Back in 2008.

How I got to know Michelle is quite a story. When I was still in school, teachers and even the school nurse used to ask me if I had a sister who was studying in school too. Well, it didn't exactly help that her surname is 'Neoh' which almost sounds like 'Yeoh' if you say it fast enough. So, after hearing so much about her, I finally bumped into her at the infirmary (that used to be my second home in school because there were beds). If my memory didn't fail me, I remember her asking if I was "Ee Ping, the one everyone tended to refer to as her sister". That was where it all started. (P.S. She tends to be a little bit manja, not that I am complaining, heh.)

With Chien Teng after Shine the Musical, November 2010.

Chien Teng; now she is a whole bundle of words put together. She is as perky as you can imagine, who excels in both her studies, sports and all her other activities. She never fails to amaze me with the amount of energy she has in that (tiny) physique of hers. Although she may sometimes go missing with the wind, she never fails to put a smile on my face whenever she sees me in school, screaming my name from a distance and running over to share a hug. She is such a ball of energy that sometimes, I don't believe she sleeps. Sometimes, many might think of her as an over-achiever having snag awards every year without fail, but really, I don't think there is a limit to how much one can achieve. Girl, you are a star, continue to shine despite what anyone may say. In my eyes, you are amazing, that is all you need to remember.

With Nisha, the Sportswoman of the Year.

Now, Nisha is someone I got to know of through hearsay from everyone in school. Teachers were telling me about a girl who runs at the speed of light and happens to be a Yellow house member. It wasn't till I went to school for a training session with the girls that I had met her in person (before realising that she was already on my Facebook friends list). As she participated in cheerleading followed by events after events yesterday morning, I was silently praying that her spirit wouldn't shatter and give in to fatigue. Her back to back events of 100m, 200m and 4x100m had a nostalgic twist for me because I remember so clearly how I would struggle competing in those events back to back. Nisha was in a more tiring position, she had a cheerleading performance before all of that. In times of talking her into comfort and telling her that she can make it, I knew that she was exhausted to the core. Putting myself in her shoes, I just couldn't bear the thought of having to do all that within one single morning and still stay alive. She sprung me a surprise when she snatched the gold in 100m, almost brought me to tears when she pushed herself an extra mile for 200m and brought pure bliss to my heart when I saw her bring home the gold in a collective effort of the 4x100m team. To top it off, she brought even more joy when she was awarded Class 2's Sportswoman of the Year. Nisha, I have just one phrase for you, I am extremely proud of you.

To sum it all up, these girls have a very special place engraved in my heart.

I'll say this again, you girls are winners in my eyes, always.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Why Some Malaysians Are "Ignorant"

2011-02-22T07:50:00.000-08:00

Originally written for LoyarBurok.

21 February, 2011

By Yeoh Ee Ping

The Malaysian dilemma?

Why are some Malaysians "ignorant"? Because … A. they are brought up to do only what their elders tell them they should or can do. B. they fear something "bad" might happen to them. C.they are trapped in the "comfort zone". D. they believe one person is insignificant. E. All of the above?

I have only been in existence for 20 years, born and bred on the soil of Malaysia. As a child, elders used to tell me that if I did something wrong (in the eyes of the adults), the policemen would come and take me away or if I did not study hard enough, I would be a garbage collector; such advice now appears to be redefined. Instead of emphasizing the right way of doing things, elders tended to focus on "what not to do." Looking back, I now feel that it is a rather unhealthy way of bringing up a child. I speak for myself because it would be an unfair generalization to say that all elders are alike.

The effect of this upbringing based on fear comes around when the child grows up. After umpteen years of being told what not do, these children tend to lose sight as to what it is that they should or could do.With such mental limitations and barriers created over the years, these children fail to willingly take risks or do things that are (to them) out of the norm. This then creates a general society of followers, unwilling to step up to the platform and be different. Of course, this is not applicable to everyone. Due to the presence of fear of authority, some may not even step up to the plate to voice out personal opinions for fear that something "bad" might happen to them. Is the government body that suppressive? Personally, I do not think so.

To date, I still encounter elders who advise me against expressing myself while some tell me I am unnecessarily opinionated. I would like to think that this is due to a generation gap or perhaps just an abundance of contentment in them that makes them so "okay" with everything that is going on. It almost feels like they live up the phrase ‘mind your own business’. If everyone really does live their lives on their own without considering the others around them or even the things that may affect their lives, I cannot help but wonder if they truly live with a satisfied smile on their faces. Does not the sense of accomplishment mean anything to them?

I vividly remember that I was once told that if I was present when a crime was committed or when an accident occurred, I should neverhold my hand up and become a witness. This was perhaps a decade ago, but it stuck in my head. I remember responding to that "advice" with a question, "Why don’t you want to help people if you can?" At that time I was probably 10, at the most. To me, a child’s innocence is the purest of its forms, uncorrupted and curious.

Then, another thought came about, a less judgmental view; maybe these people are just in a "comfort zone" trap. Economics carry poverty traps and unemployment traps, perhaps similarly human lives have traps too. I understand that mindsets have always been a topic of conversation in many conferences, discussions and even casual chats among friends but what it lacks most is the action in pushing for change. I for one needed a whole lot of head-knocking reminders before I made conscious decisions to change certain mindsets, namely the one of conformity. I refuse to be satisfied with being just another human being in the world. Maybe it takes a whole generation or two to really develop the drive to achieve or perhaps it is just the "comfort zone" trap that people tend to be submerged in (and eventually stay there without feeling the need to come out of it).

There are many possibilities as to why some people are contented with just being a bystander or spectator. Ever heard a citizen say that his vote does not really matter since it is just one vote? The Egyptians have recently showed us that many "ones" can come together to create a force too strong to hinder. A force strong enough to end 30 years under the rule of Mubarak because the Egyptians finally decided that they have had enough.

Sometimes I wonder, what would make (more) Malaysians build their guts and take a stand? We do not have to be anti anything, but at the very least have an opinion and voice it out. Being a weak society with no backbone can be fatal because it fails to be part of the positive and progressive checks and balance system for the government. Every nation is bound to have its flaws but with citizens who boldly point out through constructive criticism without negative blame hurling, a healthy government-citizen relationship would flourish. Of course, provided the government body is up for it.

I am not asking for an uproar of opinions and I do not believe in baseless ones; I am merely asking that more Malaysians grow into the culture of speaking up without fear (this does not include politicians). As much as it is a hopeful wish, I hope that the present generation and the generations to come gradually transform our society into one that desires change, one that is willing to speak up for change and is willing to make it happen. Can we do it? You tell me.

Yeoh Ee Ping is a student with years ahead, but an avid supporter of work with a cause. She sees herself learning a whole lot on a daily basis just by talking to people; some who teach her what to do while others show her what not to do. While attempting to cope with her principle of living with her feelings on her sleeves, she is hopeful that one day, the government might follow suit.

Originally written for LoyarBurok.

Article on Malaysian Insider.

A big thank you to LoyarBurok for the opportunity and faith.

Loves,
Ee Ping

Of Egypt, Family & New Experiences.

2011-02-13T03:47:00.000-08:00

It has been slightly over two weeks since I have sat myself down and wrote, partially due to the crazy schedule that has been running up till this very moment. I finally am giving myself a break, a moment or two to really just breathe everything in and sit in verbal silence (I emphasise verbal silence because I don't really have a mental silence except when in complete focus in meditation). So what was it that has been keeping me so occupied?

1. Egypt's #Jan25 revolution

2. Hong Kong trip + Lunar New Year celebration

Thanks to the invention of Twitter, I managed to keep myself updated with the happenings in Egypt's #Jan25 revolution so much so that it was live. Search engines made it much easier to access information that were originating from the Egyptians at the venue of protest itself, namely Tahrir (Liberation) Square. I found myself waking up first thing in the morning scrolling through all the news about #Jan25 on Twitter and spreading them via Facebook and continually re-tweeting them on Twitter. This routine went on for almost the entire time, every moment of every day since the 25th of January so much so that I found myself having to charge the Blackberry battery twice a day. The beauty of it all was that during the period between January 25th and February 12th (the day Mubarak stepped down), there was a kind of social network community that grew online. Despite being blocked by the government, Egyptians managed to penetrate through the suppression (freedom of expression with regards to the banning of Facebook and Twitter) and update the world with the live happenings.

I found myself communicating with people from around the world, not just the people of Egypt. The #Jan25 did not just bring the Egyptians together, it rounded up the people from all around the world who believed in the cause, similar to the Egyptians of #Jan25. We (the non-Egyptian community) deserves no credit for the cause, neither do the journalists and photographers who were present there despite their great job at reporting. Although the online community managed to spread news of missing persons, unwarranted arrests and journalists who were unfairly treated and targeted, the Egyptians of #Jan25 who were in Tahrir Square physically in flesh and blood, the Egyptians who have lost their lives in this cause, the Egyptians who stayed on for days and weeks chanting; they deserve every bit of recognition. This is a rebirth of Egypt.

The battle does not end here. With the departure of Mubarak, Egypt is open to new hope, a possibly independent leadership with an aim to provide a clean slated democratic rule. With the damages that have been done in Tahrir Square (especially during the battle of rock-throwing between the protestors and the thugs), the protestors have since returned with brooms and high spirits to clean up the mess that they themselves have caused. The beauty is that these people take responsibility for what they have done, they do not sit around waiting for a hopeful "municipal council" to clean their trash. They get up on their feet and get it done themselves. I admire their spirit, I truly do. They set out an intention and do what it takes to fulfill it. That endurance is admirable.

The above photograph is (almost) everyone in Daddy's side of the family on the first day of the Lunar New Year. We had all gathered in Kangar, Perlis for the Lunar New Year celebrations. For the first time in many years, everyone from the extended Yeoh clan went back to our family's shop house to welcome the Lunar New Year. It has been awhile since everyone actually got together to share a moment of laughter, this year was probably a very good farewell. I welcomed the new year with the mindset of enjoying every bit of it and freezing all these memories in my heart for the next three years till I am home again. Leaving in September will not be easy, but it will mark the beginning of a new phase of life. It will be a huge lesson of independence, distance and attachment. As much as I anticipate this upcoming journey, I am loving the times I have at this present moment.

Just last night, I had an eye opening conversation that led me to open myself up to more opportunities. From talking about those unfulfilled dreams, today, I fulfilled one of them. It was a first experience doing a commercial photo shoot for a product/company. Although I did do a few with the institution that I am currently studying in, it was a non-paid and non-product related shoot. Today's experience was somewhat foreign but comfortably fun all at once. Perhaps it was because of the people who were there that made the difference. I have been pushing myself lately to explore the unknown, to step into fields that I have been wanting to but never dared, to get myself out of the comfort zone and into the realms of brand new opportunities. I am proud to say that I am right on track.

On that note, I wish all you lovely readers a happy Valentine's day!

If you are wondering, my Valentine dinner date is my family;

Daddy, Mummy and WJ.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Inspiring Children.

2011-01-27T08:21:00.000-08:00

My heart was literally torn open today. God willing, I was given a chance to visit the University Hospital (UH). The Children Cancer Unit in UH is probably the most hopeful place on Earth. After hearing all those heart-wrenching moments from Miss Hema's first visit there, I was rather skeptical as to how I would react to scenes that may surface. A group of 7 of us went to UH with two vans, one loaded with presents contributed by various lovelies.

As we transported the presents manually and using the (very noisy) trolleys, the first sight I saw upon entering Level 11 of UH was a set of parents crying, holding their child in their arms. It was a bundle of emotions put together, but the cries did not last for long. Pushing the trolley from ward to ward, the children were slowly opening up to the joy of receiving. I wish I could say that it made them feel better or heal faster, but fact was, they lighted up my day. The children in the Children Cancer Unit of UH gave me an experience I would never forget.

On top of the fact that I was already feeling like Santa Claus, my heart was in a deep dilemma. Perhaps it was a contradiction of feelings; to be on the positive or negative end. One could easily slide into the emotions of pity, but I chose otherwise. The fact that the children are there striving to survive, whether or not they feel the pain, they smile anyway. They showed me the divine strength that we all have inside of us. Sometimes, when life remains at a state of contentment, one ceases to remember the strength deep inside. The children reminded me of that today.

On the other hand, I truly commend the nurses and doctors who serve in the Children Cancer Unit. For one, they never seem to have their spirit dampened despite all that is happening around them. Plus, the doctors blend in pretty well with the children. They even (almost) speak like them! Dealing with children is not easy, especially when you are a doctor with a syringe that even I, as a 20-year-old am afraid of. Seeing how the doctors communicate with the children, how they patiently talk the children into taking some medication, how the nurses would pacify the children when a doctor enters with the (scarily looking) syringe; I was deeply humbled and impressed. To the nurses and doctors of UH's Children Cancer Unit, I humbly salute you.

The girl in the photograph above is Seri. She loves to read. When we first stopped at her ward with the trolley of gifts, her mother was standing by her bedside. She told us that Seri reads a lot, hence books would be great gifts for her. While going back and forth to reload the trolley with gifts, sorting the gifts out into categories of things, I ran back to Seri's ward twice to give her some books that I had found in the bags of gifts. There was just something about her that really caught me. Perhaps it was the smile that she wore. You would have to meet her to understand. She never really stops smiling. Despite having her left ear bandaged, she held on to that smile. When I went back to her ward for the second time with some books, her mother was leaving and had asked me to speak to Seri instead.

I did not ask her why she was there, neither did I ask her anything at all. I held up four books from the Mary-Kate and Ashley series and told her that although the books look pretty old, I hope she'd enjoy reading it as much as I do (I read the books when I was younger). If you do have any books that you feel may interest Seri, do make your way to UH's Children Cancer Unit on the 11th Floor and ask for Seri. She will give you much more than anything you will ever receive; a smile.

I will master the route to UH. My vow for the year, is to spend more time with the children who have truly inspired me. They touched the core of my heart. On days when you think you have it bad, make a trip there. Perhaps, bring your lunch pack and sit down with some of them. Their expressions and personas are just remarkably energetic and cheery. They will flip a frown upside down, believe me.

On that note, I am off to Hong Kong on a 9.30am flight. After two days of videography duties on the 'Oh My Girl' musical play and weeks of relentless studying, I am off for a much needed family holiday. I will be back on the 31st of January and off to Kangar, Perlis on the 1st of February for the Lunar New Year reunion dinner and celebrations for the rest of the week.

With that, here's wishing all you lovely readers a happy holiday and a joyous Lunar New Year! May you spend this lovely occasion with your loved ones as I do every year. 2011's celebration would be an extra special one as I will be away for the next three years. In saying so, I will appreciate these moments more than ever.

Have a lovely week, lovelies!

Loves,

Ee Ping

A Must-Read : Students & Working Adults.

2011-01-22T00:27:00.000-08:00

Have you ever encountered adults telling you as a student to enjoy studying and stay in it for as long as you can because working life is not any better? Does that sound familiar?

Personally, this may happen due to several reasons. Firstly, it is human nature to want what we do not have. Remember how when we were little children, we always wanted to be that adult driving a car and going out to work? On the other hand, for adults who read this, remember how you sometimes wish you could just go back to the perceived free and easy life of a student? Another reason could be because of a terribly misperceived thought of what being a student or working adult really means. To some extent, it may be because of our selective memories that there is an inclination towards just the so-called happy memories.

Being a student who has been told countless times about how working life is horror, I can't really deny the truth of it because I have yet to be in it completely. I wouldn't take part-time jobs into account because there are many loose factors that are not considered in comparison to a full-time job.

Allow me to provide you with a question to ponder on.

When someone does something (labelled a job) out of passion, will you find that person going around scaring students about what lies ahead of them?

I do understand that (some) students need to manage their expectations of the future, hence the humbling experiences of a working adult is shared. Then again, how does inflicting fear help in planning for the future? So what if students dream of being the President of their country? So what if students wish to be a Hollywood movie star? If they are passion-driven, which I think seem to be a very new-age approach to life, why not?

A generation ago, or maybe several generations ago, jobs available were scarce in terms of choice. People in that era tended to grow a passion (or not) for the jobs that were up for grabs. However, at the present moment in time, job variety is so vast that it has almost quantified at least 10 times over. Availability aside, the fields of work that has grew affects the formation of a student's mindset (this is assuming that the student is receiving formal education), simply because students of this generation have the chance to explore further than the generations before, as will the future generation in comparison to us.

I feel that it is only fair that the working adults treat a student's worry as important as theirs, no more no less. When a student happens to express worry or concern or pressure and stress in the presence of a working adult, the respond tends to sound like this, "It is just exams. I have to go to work and earn money. That is so much tougher."

As a student, I do feel a tad bit frustrated getting responses like those. To a certain extent, it belittles students in comparison to working adults. Is it because money stands superior against a student's achievements? Or could it be because working adults see themselves as more than, or rather on a higher level than the students? Earning money and financing one self (and possibly family), does not make a working adult any better than a student. We are merely from different phases of life. Thus the similarity; the journey of life. On a spiritual level, everyone are equal in God's eyes. It is mankind themselves who chooses to differentiate among themselves, struggling to be on top of the chain. The truth is, there is no chain. There only is a journey that happens to be known as 'life'.

Understandably, the category of a student covers a wide scope, from primary education to the highest levels of Ph. D. studies. In saying so, it is rather ironic to see how education levels mark the level of seriousness and respect students get from the so called working adults. Education may or may not contribute to a person's mental progress, but it does not determine it. If you haven't already notice, there are students in the world who are mentally ahead of their structured academic syllabus. To a certain degree, an education system constructed on the lines of equality can be somewhat discriminatory. Allow me to explain myself. When a student is not constricted to studying a certain syllabus in a certain duration of time, have you ever considered the possibility of a student learning more in a shorter period of time? An equal system is a machine that produces standard products i.e. students who cover the same syllabus in the same duration of time given. Does this nurture self-growth and progress?

With historical studies showing how class struggles were causes of governmental takeovers and disputes, we have somewhat learned from the past mistakes; just not completely. Class struggles still do occur in the present day, perhaps in my eyes, very subtly. Some notices it, some don't; some do it unconsciously, some consciously avoid it.

Class struggle is but an illusion of human differentiation. When one understands that you and I are no different, we will cease to treat different individuals differently, regardless the phases of life we are in.

*exhales breath*

I would love to hear from you, dear readers.

What is your take on this?

As a student, how do you feel after reading?

As a working adult, what do you have to say?

Write to me;

yeoheeping [@] gmail.com

Loves,

Ee Ping

The Chinese Mother.

2011-01-19T23:04:00.000-08:00

I don't usually practice writing opinionated pieces on particular issues on Piggydotcom unless I really do feel the need to do so. This piece, as dictated in the title is at present, a topic of conversation in many fields of the social network. Particularly because news spread like wild fire on social network platforms, hence the sporadical spread of opinions.

If you don't already know, Amy Chua, a law professor of Yale University wrote a book titled 'Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother', illustrating how she and her husband decided to raise their two daughters the "Chinese" way. Being a Chinese, I felt rather twisted reading various takes on her sharing. I am Chinese. I grew up in a Chinese family. I was raised by a Chinese mother and father. I live in a Chinese family. I do share partial similarities with her daughters' experiences, but I count my blessings that it wasn't as harsh.

Allow me to illustrate further. Amy Chua's take on parenting the "Chinese" (it is in inverted commas because I for one am not persuaded that it is an accurate generalisation) way is through "heavy pressure for nothing less than top school marks, no sleepovers or watching television, and mandatory piano or violin study" as quoted in The Star, W48 today. Besides that, Amy Chua also mentioned in an the book that "the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child". Perhaps I am missing the bits and pieces of her book where she expresses to have "learned to strike a softer balance in her parenting" as said in The Star, but I must say that generalising this stance of parenting as the "Chinese" way is simply misleading.

As a child, I have gone through the disastrous years of piano lessons when I wanted to learn guitar and the gruesome arguments I shared with Daddy and Mummy simply because I did not feel the passion for the instrument. The turning point was when I failed the Grade 4 practical examinations. It was then that they truly came to terms with the fact that I just did not want to do it, and there was nothing anyone could do to make me do it. Perhaps it was also that Daddy and Mummy gradually learned that force was not going to be healthy on the parent-child relationship as well as the well-being of the child as per say.

Of course, I did have my shameful moments too. As is pointed out by Amy Chua's stand of parenting, she seem to adhere to exerting punishment and shame in disciplining a child. I must admit, I have been there on the receiving end of it. Speaking about it doesn't make me bitter, but it did not make me learn anything either. Along the lines of my full disclosure policy, I shall share this experience with you, dear readers. When I was young, I used to wet my bed through the night (always blaming it on dreams that I was in the washroom on the toilet seat). When I woke up in the morning to a wet mattress, Daddy would punish me in ways that were rather harsh. Sometimes, he would make me stand by the air conditioner in the wet pants, other times he would yell at the stupidity of the act and other times, I would quietly attempt to pull my mattress down the flight of stairs hoping that it would dry up in time before he wakes up. Some things he did were embarrassing, but that was not the worst, I had grew to fear my father. I was probably four years old back then. Through all the punishments and screams, it did not help me overcome the habit. Instead, it made me fear my father and face myself in disgust. I felt wronged. I felt less than. I felt unloved.

This however, did not persist for long. Things turned around when I was six years old. I was racing on the bicycle with some friends at the park, and ended up injuring myself in a fall. Laying on the ground in pain with a bleeding chin, Mummy rushed me to the nearest clinic. The first few words that I uttered were, "Please don't tell Daddy." With the ignorance of a child, I never grew a grudge, for the mere reason that I did not know how to. I was just scared. Facing the wrath of Daddy was worse than going into an operation theatre for six stitches. It was then that Daddy and Mummy spoke over it, and flipped their parenting approach.

Please don't get me wrong, all these childhood experiences had to happen to bring me to where I am now. I am merely drawing the lines of similarities in my life, with the stances of Amy Chua. I do believe that it is not just the Chinese parents who places importance on academic achievements, urban parents in general tends to do so as well, be it their race. I for one, grew up with parents who told me to do my best, regardless the grade. I was never punished for grades that were other than As, instead, I was rewarded for the effort. Amy Chua's daughter, Sophia made a statement in response to the criticism of her mother saying, "If I died tomorrow, I would die feeling I’ve lived my whole life at 110 percent."

Perhaps, to a certain degree, Amy Chua's way of parenting has pushed her daughters to maximise their potential. Along those lines, I would say that there is no right or wrong way in parenting. Every parent deserves the right to customise their parenting methods in ways they see fit (which does not include abuse in any way). To lay out the responsibilities of being a parent can be rather provocative because it is pretty subjective matter. Besides the basic necessities, I do think that parents are in no way obligated to provide their children with anything else. Then again, some parents do, and they do it out of love.

To have her daughter speak out in the ways that she did, Amy Chua's parenting stance has been somewhat justified. A simple check list would do the trick.

Does her daughter love her?

Does her daughter do well in what she does?

Does her daughter appreciate the push that her mother gave her to excel?

Is her daughter happy?

I believe that Amy Chua is not wrong. However, I believe that the generalisation of Chinese mothers in the way that she did with her book is rather unjust. There are extraordinary mothers who happen to Chinese and shares her parenting stance, but, there are also Chinese mothers who bring their child up in varying ways. If the book had given less emphasis on the categorisation of her parenting take as "the Chinese way", this book is a pretty good read for parents. At the very least, parents who share her views can learn more, and parents who do not will know what not to do. A win-win it is.

For one, I am thankful that Daddy and Mummy decided to do what they did.

I am who I am today because of what they have done.

With that, I have them to thank for my life's achievements.

Loves,

Ee Ping

The Flight of a Lifetime.

2011-01-16T05:23:00.000-08:00

Nothing is ever more valuable than Daddy and Mummy's smiles.

To me, the flight of an airplane is always related to freedom.

Just how the human minds have evolved into technological creations,
And how a human mind when focused and determined does wonders.

I must admit, the fear of failure, of anything at all, is overwhelming.

However, have you thought about the feelings of accomplishment?

The positively overwhelming feeling of success?

Nothing beats a hard earned and well deserved reward.

Ever wondered why a child is motivated by rewards?

Ever thought of why speakers always recommend rewarding yourself?

Productivity, when motivated with rewards, takes a boost.

Productivity peaks with honesty and willingness to work.

Hard work never fails.

It is only when hard work is a disguise of sloppiness that it fails.

To be honest with myself,

Is to show myself that I deserve the truth and nothing less.

To work hard for myself,

Is to tell myself that I can turn my dream into a moment in reality.

I will make it through.

I will do whatever it takes.

I will,

Because I want to,

And because I know I can.

My reward?

The joy in the eyes of Daddy and Mummy.

Loves,
Ee Ping

The Joy of Sharing Joy.

2011-01-13T00:40:00.000-08:00

On the very day I plotted a surprise for Daddy and Mummy,

Was the very day I received life changing news.

A spontaneous decision made in pure love descended today.

A plan was outlined, plotted and decided on within a few hours.

I had outlined this idea with Johan Farid Khairuddin,

Better known as JFK of Hitz.fm.

The beans were spilled at the dinner table just awhile ago.

Daddy and Mummy are to be flown in a private airplane by Johan,

For a city tour on Sunday morning.

I have said this once, twice or maybe three times, but I'll say it again.

If there is anyone who deserves this experience,

It is them.

After all that they have done for me, and still are doing,

There is no price to that love.

At this point of reading, you might have forgotten about the other news.

Well, about an hour after breaking the surprise to Daddy and Mummy,

A university offer came in via email,

The conditional offer I have been praying to receive came through;

Loughborough University.

I have found my boost.

Now, I want the aces in the academic examinations more than ever.

I will say this again and again,

God is great.

I will make this dream a reality.

Thank you for reading, lovelies.

Thank you for your continuous support.

Thank you for your endless encouragement.

Thank you for seeing me through roller coaster rides.

Thank you for being you.

I love you, world;

As I love you, God.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Lessons of 2010.

2011-01-01T00:41:00.000-08:00

Welcoming 2010.

I began the year 2010 with bright golden blonde highlights, a funky hairdo and an explorer's attitude of travelling. It took me some time to settle in from the life of a free bird to a scheduled time table of classes and exams. To a certain degree, it is fair to say that I was floating at the beginning of 2010. I was still very much resisting the change of environment, trying hard to slot my so called old life into the new one. I found myself creating a vacuum between people around me, just so I could linger in the life of freedom all over again. It took a rather drastic move to bring myself back on the ground, to be grounded back on my feet to the roots of life. Hence, on the 2nd of May 2010, I shaved my head bald.

The significance of shaving my head bald was mind blowing. The initial intention doing it was simple; to obey my self-will. That intention resulted in an action that caused a rather vast ripple effect. I learnt so much more than letting go, I began to see the beauty of family. On the day I shaved my head for the very first time, Yee Xin, the cousin sister whom I grew up with went with me. Later that day, we, the cousins had a celebratory dinner together. On the 26th of May, the whole family joined me in the Relay for Life, a campaign in support of cancer awareness. It touched my heart to see Daddy, Mummy and WJ participate in something that I felt very strongly for, what could be a better campaign to support with a bald head than a cancer awareness program? This was not all. On the 20th of June, when I went to the barber to shave my head for the third time, the brother, WJ sat next to me and had his head shaved simultaneously. Talk about sibling rivalry; we lived through it all to have came to this degree of love.

The final shave was on the 1st of August, a day before I joined Anchoring the Light on a pilgrimage trip to India. It felt like a perfect gesture to do. Being in India, as a bald girl; that feeling was beyond words. The feeling of an understood acceptance in society, the feeling of being my true self without judgments of any kind, the feeling of walking the streets without glares and stares for being different; I loved it. From obeying my self-will, to learning of family support, to understanding the depth of acceptance, and finally, to find the authentic self I have in me that was submerged beneath the shadows of pretend; the gesture of shaving bald had played its role.

The year 2010 led me to new friendships, the one of which was most unexpected but dearly appreciated. Miss Hema, who used to lecture us English, became someone I would call a companion. To be able to open up genuinely to someone, without the fear of betrayal and such; to be able to speak to someone about everything, from spirituality to boys to just anything under the Sun - nothing tops it, really. The lessons that I was taught through her have required tons of practice. I learnt to disregard anyone's opinions but my own, except when it is of relevance to me. I learnt that maturity doesn't necessarily come with age, that sometimes, the child in everyone does emerge. I learnt that despite all the talks, gossips and nosy opinions that may arise, we as Aries' stick together, and we stay strong. The clarity and knowledge that I have gradually learnt from her, and still am, is one that I will be forever grateful for.

2010 taught me a good deal of letting go; Arjun was probably one of the biggest part of it. To have met someone who saw beyond the bald girl, someone who showed me that beauty was so much more than having long, wavy hair, someone who taught me that love is defined in so many ways; I felt blessed. He showed me how it was alright to love someone and let them go. Over and above the title of a relationship, there is a feeling deeper than a surface partner, a feeling of true care and concern that shows itself in ways that not many do. To check up on each other from time to time while allowing our personal space and growth, it taught me how to be independent and love at the same time. Letting go of that labelled partnership was tough, but the lesson that it brought with it, with him, was one that taught me how relationships have so much to offer and share.

On the 19th of August, I received news of the best exam results yet; a straight-A result for the first half of Cambridge A-Levels. Having Mummy, Daddy and WJ there was one of the proudest moments of the year. To have done something that brought pride to the family felt satisfying beyond human comprehension. Breaking down in tears at the very moment I saw the results, hopping around the house like a popping popcorn as I shrieked in joy, hugging Daddy as I whispered into his ear, "Straight A's, Daddy. Straight A's." I give everything my best, and allow God to do the rest. Daddy and Mummy, my pillars of life, my providers of strength and courage to pursue any passion, the loves of my life; I will spend my life loving you.

Throughout the year of 2010, technology has shown me how it does amazing work in joining the dots and bringing people together. God willing, I was given the chance to befriend people whom I used to only see on television or in the newspapers. It is such a profound feeling to see how humble and grounded they are. Azura, Daphne, Aunty M and Juana have showed me how open human beings could be, if only they choose to do so. What used to be a dream of knowing them was made to come true because they allowed me into their lives. They taught me how openness could build friendships, they taught me how being open was perfectly fine; it was a sense of assurance that it is alright to be me. For that, I am most appreciative of the lessons that came in 2010, with the new friends made, with the dreams that do come true; thank you, Azura, Daphne, Aunty M and Juana!

2010 was also a year of making the so called impossible, possible. It was all about exploring new grounds, allowing growth to take place and to take myself out of the comfort zone in the realm of the unknown. Unpredictability is not a weakness, it is not bad or wrong. It merely spices up life and brings about the true colours of one self. I learnt that growth comes about when I put myself out there with a clear intention to grow. Besides that, I learnt that it is okay to be part of a team and strive in what I do best. Being a team player need not mean I am dependent, moments of the year showed me that being in a team as an independent individual is not only possible, but amazingly enjoyable.

One of the very many lessons I learnt in 2010 was how support played a major role in all our lives. As much as I love being supported, being at the receiving end of it taught me the art of supporting others. While I grew up with ever supporting family members, I learnt that life was not just about receiving all the time, there are times where giving brought about a larger than life feeling of love. Being there for Chien Teng when she performed in Shine made me feel like such a proud parent, something that I usually only perceived in my parents. She taught me how much support I have been blessed with, and how much support I can give someone, if only I made the effort to do so. Hence, I made it a point to be there at the airport to send Yee Xin off as she left to the UK. Support may show up in varying ways, but the feeling of being supported never fails to pull a smile. If I enjoy that feeling of being supported, wouldn't I not want someone else to feel the same? :)

Towards the end of 2010, I learnt a very valuable lesson of perceptions. The story of my friendship with Yugen is simply hilarious. Through the period of organising an event in college, with him as the President, we shared so many arguments, so much sarcasm and periods of cold wars. At that point in time, never would I have expected to have him as a friend. Right before the December holidays, there was a college trip to Port Dickson. It is thanks to the trip, that I got to understand him better. He taught me a great deal of how perceptions are subject to change. Perhaps it was a belief that certain traits in people never go away; he certainly showed me otherwise. In other words, he proved me wrong in many aspects of perception that I had held onto once before. For that, 2010 has brought me on a roller coaster ride, ending it with a beautiful friendship that comes with random questioning from time to time.

With regards to friends, 2010 has taught me how old is gold and how new friends come and go, and makes a circle back again. In humble apologies, I am thankful for being given the chance to mend things I have broken. 2010 was a year of understanding personal spaces and learning how people gradually open up. Friendships may sometimes be built through years and years of spending time together, or, it could start with a simple, "Hello." Friends throughout 2010 has taught me that taking the first step is never a disadvantage, instead, making that step ensures me that I have tried. Friends too, taught me that 2010 was a year of forgiveness and rebuilding bridges that were burnt down somewhere in the year. To Trixia, thank you for giving me the chance to make things better. To Stephanie, thank you taking the initiative to write to me. To Marvin, thank you for staying in my life through all the years, so much so that I lost count. To all my friends, thank you for an amazing year of lessons.

Finally, as I approach the end of 2010, something that I would regard as the finale of the year; a lesson on family. As I have just written lately, on how Christmas was spent with the dearest people in my life, Daddy, Mummy and WJ, I learnt to appreciate the smallest of gestures. I learnt to understand how we operate as a family unit, and admire the tolerance and acceptance that we have for each other. Through all the years of ignorance, of defects in character, of my rebellious teenage years, I have my family to thank; for loving me, for standing by me, for supporting me and for allowing me to be me.

On 31st December 2010, I made it a point to obey my self-will of having a calm, quiet and solemn new year eve. Hence, I took the liberty of cosing up at home, reliving a nostalgic childhood memory of watching 'The Sound of Music'. Laughing, crying and singing along to the tunes of the movie, I bid 2010 goodbye.

For a lesson-filled year of 2010, I have God to thank for the faith, for the strength and endurance of living through it, for the clarity of knowing what to do, for the independence of pursing my passion and for the love I have in life. A toast, to 2010, to a year that now lives as a memory; thank you, readers, for the tremendous support.

Loves,

Ee Ping

A Family Like No Other.

2010-12-26T09:41:00.000-08:00

Christmas has always been a reason to celebrate, at least in our family it is. It is an annual treat to head down to KL city for a 2-night stay at either the Berjaya Times Square hotel or the Berjaya KL Plaza condominiums. This year, thanks to Aunt Karen, we headed to KL Plaza which is now known as Fahrenheit 88. Along with extended relatives, consisting of Mummy's 4 sisters' families and a niece's family, we occupied 4 condominium units.

I learnt something very valuable this Christmas, to appreciate. Perhaps it was because it was an annual affair that it was nothing out of the ordinary to head to down town KL for Christmas Eve every year for the countdown; perhaps it was because I believe that my parents will be there whatever, whenever that it was nothing different celebrating with them; but this time around, it felt very different. I was constantly reminded of how I wouldn't be physically around here in Malaysia for Christmas next year since I am heading to the UK in September 2011.

There were a whole lot more emotions running through beneath that joy of shopping, buying new clothes, handbags and shoes. Little moments that I would usually overlook or brush away as just another ordinary thing began to magnify to such a significant scale. A good illustration of it would be when we were shopping at Vincci. I was on the look out for a pair of comfortable white pumps, and Daddy was there with me as I tried on a few which didn't turn out right. Out of the blue, moments later, Daddy popped up with a pair of white pumps in hand and said, "Try this." To be awfully honest, I would have burst out in tears there and then if it weren't so public. That smile on his face as he held the pair of pumps, the anticipation of seeing me try it; I will definitely miss this most - the little unspoken moments.

I admit, I am in tears writing this post out in words. I felt an overwhelming amount of feelings throughout the past 3 days; Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. On Christmas Eve, after checking into our unit, I had Mummy to myself as we shopped at Uniqlo. There was something about sitting outside the fitting room waiting to see her unveil her new look in those new outfits she was trying that made me smile. Even though I am 19, I still do occasionally look at Mummy for a nod of approval before buying my clothes. Yes, what Mummy thinks does matter, no matter how many years I spent telling myself it doesn't, it does; big time. Throughout these three days, I learnt to enjoy waiting by the fitting rooms as Daddy, Mummy and WJ tried their clothes. I found myself gladly running to their aid for different sizes and colours. All of a sudden, our family who doesn't ever shop at all, indulged and enjoyed our time shopping. There was just so much about these three days that I find myself crying to.

The glares we give each other when we see something or someone and think of the same thing, the laughters we share when someone says something funny, the one favourite claypot 'loh she fun' we love that we would stand in line willingly to wait for only to share one small bowl among us all, the way we would all shop for WJ's clothes and he'd yearn to go to the toys section, the way WJ and I laid in the dark with our beds next to each other as we chatted and screamed to our favourite tunes, the way we all had Pappa Rich for Daddy, passionfruit cheesecake for Mummy and gelato for WJ; it is just the beauty of how the 4 of us are able to live together and operate as a family unit that really makes my heart all warm and fuzzy.

If there is one thing I have gained in this year's Christmas, it would be a family like no other. Through all the years of rebellion, fights and quarrels, this year has to be one of the best. No, it doesn't make it tougher to leave, it merely fuels my desire to do well in every way possible and come back with a shine to make them proud, to make the years away worth the while.

To end this very teary post (I had to go to the bathroom three times to clear my nose of all the crying), here's a little extract from my late night chat with WJ, the 12-year-old brother.

EP : Jeat, will you miss me when I leave?

WJ : Of course lah.

EP : Sure?

WJ : Duuuuh.

EP : You have to learn how to use Skype then.

I hope this Christmas has been lovely for you as it has been for me.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Mind over Matter.

2010-12-14T05:11:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, 14th December.

So I woke up numerous time throughout my sleep last night sweating to a fever; finally waking up after 9 hours of on-off sleep to a further sore throat and flu. Not long after, I experienced my first nose bleed since years back. I personally declared today a study-day after having a day-off yesterday. Perhaps it was a mental game my mind was playing with me. Knowing that part of me wanted another day-off, the body chose to shut down the moment I woke up this morning.

Wednesday, 15th December.

Just when I thought I was sick yesterday, I accomplished more than I expected. Read up and wrote 2 chapters of History. This is the most epic part of the day. I watched 11 episodes of Life Unexpected in a night. Well technically it was overnight. I ended up sleeping at 7am in the morning, waking up at 3pm mid-afternoon. This is probably the first time in the whole holiday that I actually did something that made me feel like it IS a holiday. I guess I have been really uptight with the whole studying scene that it took me awhile to really appreciate the year end holidays. Perhaps the Christmas spirit would make me more jolly!

The point is this.

It is really mind over matter, and also a testament that whatever intentions I put out, it will happen. Hence the saying be careful with what you wish for, because it might just come true. For those who have not heard of this English series, Life Unexpected, google it. I am telling you, I cried more watching that series than I did watching The Biggest Loser. So, I do cry a whole lot watching videos, movies and television series, but really, this storyline is something really meaningful. It brings out the whole concept of a ripple effect, how one change leads to another change in another person's life and it continues down the stream. While every decision brings about a different consequence, the choice is still ultimately ours to make. Think it through, whatever the choice may be.

A few lines from Life Unexpected that I found to be quite profound.

"It means appreciating what's happened in your life
to bring you to this point and letting go of it."

"It means knowing and accepting reality;

You might just get the fantasy you've always dreamt of."

"You're afraid of having what you want because you're afraid of losing it."

"You don't have to forgive me. I just want a chance to make it right with you."

"Good things happen in really messed up ways sometimes."

"I'm not a perfect Mum. This is my best. At some point, you'll have to take it or leave it."

- I'm taking it, keeping it and appreciating it :)

Loves,

Ee Ping

Men of my Life.

2010-12-13T02:31:00.000-08:00

It is in his arms, I feel safest.

It is in his arms, I feel important.

It is in his presence, I feel strongest.

Recently, feelings of unworthiness have been daunting upon me. Feelings of being less than, feelings of being someone's second option, feelings of not being good enough because I am me; I have my moments. I won't stand up and lie saying that I feel good all the time. I do my best in making choices, conscious choices that are for the better self I know I have within me. It gets frustrating sometimes, how I'd willingly fall under water and do my best to climb back out of it all over again. At the very least, I know I have that capability of climbing back out, all it takes is time.

More to come soon.

For now, it is balancing the books and the joy.

He brings joy, fun and laughter.

My source of lessons.

An affirmation that maturity doesn't need to come with age.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Of Rebirth and Religion.

2010-12-06T22:41:00.000-08:00

It took some quiet moments of contemplation to decide if I should even consider writing a piece on rebirth and religion, for fears of sparking unnecessary discussion. Then it hit me, Piggydotcom has always been a platform of expression for me, so why not? Here it goes.

I am born a Buddhist by name, for the plain fact that both Daddy and Mummy are Buddhists. I was brought up as a child who attended Sunday Dhamma School every Sunday morning for a good 13 years. I started in Brickfields Maha Vihara and transferred to Subang Jaya Buddhist Association in the later years. I even sat for the official Malaysian Buddhist Exam (MBES) and passed with a C5. (Yes, I know that is nothing to brag about)

I would drag my feet out of bed every Sunday morning to sit through an hour's class about the life of the Buddha, a few sutta studies and some free and easy discussions. Perhaps it was my lack of understanding on the definition of religion that made me question the reason I was attending these classes. When I was younger, the classes was fun-filled with story-telling sessions about the Buddha's past lives, morales and certain teachings that were inculcated. As I grew with age, the classes gradually became more theoretical, with reference books and such. While I was attending the Dhamma classes, Daddy and Mummy would be in the hall listening to Dhamma talks, something that I found more useful. The Dhamma talks were presented by various speakers. I would think that these talks were more practical as it was life's application of Buddhism rather than the theories alone. I stayed on in Sunday Dhamma School till I was finally allowed to graduate at the age of 16 (after sitting for the MBES). I wouldn't say that I came out of that 13 years with nothing, but it was a whole lot to take in. I can recite Buddhist chantings in Pali by heart, I can tell you the meanings of certain Pali words in English, but I can't really tell you how it was practical in daily living.

I am thankful to have a rather liberal pair of parents. I am given the freedom to believe. There was no containment of religion or beliefs in my family. I had often question the existence of rebirth as it was spoken of so often in Buddhism. I read, and read, and read more, but nothing was ever persuasive enough. I love the concept of Buddhism and its art of living, but there was just something about the concept of rebirth that I could not grasp. I vividly remember asking my teacher over and over again, how is it proven that there is such a thing as rebirth - I never got the answer. There isn't any blame here though, because there really isn't a direct answer to it.

Later in the year, at the age of 16, I attended a course by Anchoring the Light Ministry. It was only then that I learnt how to embrace God and religion as a whole. I began to see no need of labeling myself with a religion, except on application forms that required one. I stopped questioning rebirth because it didn't matter anymore. The purpose of a religion to me, is a life guideline that should not be taken literally. The saying, "Read between the lines" clearly portrays theologies of all religions. Every religion, regardless its name never teaches anything but the act of doing good. Every religion encourages positive vibes, actions and reactions. However, when a theory is misconstrued, it can be fatal. The freedom of religion is a freedom to believe; to have faith in what you choose and hold on to it. When a freedom is given, a responsibility tags along. I am responsible for my faith, as I am of my being.

After learning of what was most valuable to me, I began to stop questioning the existence of rebirth. The most important time is the present. Whatever happens now is what matters most. Whatever happens tomorrow, is tomorrow's worry, not today's. I stopped questioning the concept of rebirth because it does not serve me at present. So what if there is rebirth? Does that mean I live in this lifetime thinking that I can leave some other adventures for the next?

I believe in a power greater than myself. I believe in God, no matter what the name; The Buddha, Jesus Christ, Allah, Vishnu, Sai Baba. Besides it being on paper, does a religion really require a name? All religions, regardless the spelling always say, to do good and avoid evil. Isn't that simple enough? No matter the language, be it in Pali, English, Jawi or Tamil, a religion always foster good deeds. Perhaps the theories might lay it out in different stories, but trust me when I say, all religions do amount to the same message; to do good.

Hence my journey continues, to do more good and touch more lives all around the world. If you think you are alone in this, think no more. A mere one-person can make a world of difference. Reason being, we are all different. We leave our marks differently. We all have custom shaped paws. We are individuals with personalised identities, yet all similar in beings. I humbly plead that a reminder goes out to all; we are not alone. While it is sunny here, it is raining somewhere else. While we are laughing here, there are cries of help somewhere in the world. Are we going to gather the strength to make a difference? We have this lifetime, this moment to do what we want and choose our faiths. Let's invest it in a beneficial cause.

Loves,

Ee Ping

A Breather, A Lesson.

2010-12-01T09:12:00.000-08:00

For those who have been trailing Twitter @eepings, you should probably know that I had just got back from a 3-day trip to Port Dickson. To those who aren't on Twitter, I shall fill you in a little. A college trip organised by my fellow college mates headed to Avillion Admiral Cove in Port Dickson. The trip's cost was covered by the college, leaving us students to pay RM10 for insurance and that was it. Being the skeptical person that I am, I had doubts about the hotel as we were shown rather luxurious photographs of the place. Well, I am glad to say that the place did live up to the photographs, and perhaps even exceeded the standards it had portrayed.

As for myself, the trip was a much needed break from everything; basically the business of daily routines, time slots at almost every break and the craziness of it all really. I had been on a one-breath streak since weeks ago, maybe even months. It has been so long since I actually took in a deep inhale without having to hold it for a rally of tasks ahead. It almost felt like I have been attached to work, work and work. I found myself constantly searching for something to do during an available time slot. If it wasn't assignments, it would be Economics notes. If it wasn't quality time with the brother, it would be Economics notes. If it wasn't sorting out photographs, it would be Economics notes. I found myself being extremely productive, but also extremely suffocating; self-suffocating.

It was only recently that I realised it was an addiction, an addiction to constantly be doing something all the time. I couldn't stop and do nothing. It was a bigger challenge to do nothing than to do something. It sounds crazy, and I wouldn't say it isn't, but it was hellava roller coaster ride. As insane as it sounds, it did make me feel very good. It was as though I had done something that deserved a pat on my back. Productivity was sky high, engines were running at full speed, I was literally on a high. Even when this trip to Port Dickson was tabled, I had hesitations to go for it - even though it was free. (Usually Malaysians would jump at anything that is free.)

Coming back from a Sun-burning, muscle straining, late nights and early mornings 3-day getaway to Port Dickson, I am tremendously happy to say that I enjoyed myself. No Economics notes, no assignments, no laptops; just friends, the beach, sports and I. When I was free, I would take a stroll along the beach. It was no longer the work-obsessed Ee Ping who would resort to doing Economics notes if there weren't anything else left to do. To a certain extent, I felt liberated. I understand that it would take me more effort to get the ball rolling on my academic work now, but I know I have it in me to get it going once more. After all, I have done it once, it only goes to show that it is doable and achievable.

This trip consisted of 80 people, 73 students and 7 lecturers. Within the three days, new bridges were built and old bridges rebuilt. It was a nice feeling to have been able to mingle around with different groups of friends given that we were constantly divided by intakes and clicks. Of the entertaining moments playing Twister and Pictionary, staying up to watch a movie, dragging our bums out of bed for the buffet breakfast, nothing beats that feeling of togetherness. It is in that feeling that we smile every morning waking up to a brand new day, at least that was what it was for me.

The countless hours at the beach, under the scorching Sun and drops of rain, we soaked ourselves in the sea. Plus, it was my very first time soaking in the sea with the rain pouring down, a very surreal feeling indeed. It has been so many months, maybe even years since I last allowed myself to go into the sea. I have always held on to the camera and stayed by the beach, refusing to even dip my knees in the water. I guess sometimes when we are all together, in the name of fun, anything is worth jumping into. After all, how often would moments like these come around? There is so much about friends that I can say, but ultimately, it is my actions that matter most.

The feeling of liberation, of togetherness and of love; sometimes it takes time to really look into the mirror and realise that it is me that I see in everyone else. To internalise everything isn't just it, to internalise, analyse and choose again; that is what matters most. Today, I chose to own up to my mistakes, confess my intentions and apologise for the past. Sometimes, just sometimes, we meet Angels who lead us to answers, answers that we have forgotten in time.

I count my blessings for being guided.

I am grateful for the prayer, love and joy.

No matter a second, a minute or a lifetime,

Thank you for being a part of my life.

It is in you, that I see me.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Gender Amongst Friends.

2010-11-27T01:26:00.000-08:00

The buddy, Marvin.

There has been quite a substantial amount of talk going around about how friends of opposite genders tend to create a picture of a possible romantic relationship. If you are reading this and thinking to yourself that you have thought of it, or judged it, please, I appeal to you to reset that mindset. Friends come in many forms. They come in different ages, religion, race and gender. There is something about human beings that is so attached to the need for drama so much so that it is almost impossible for a girl and guy to be best of friends without being romantically linked.

If you think that it is impossible, I stand proof that is it not only possible, but it is a beautiful friendship of understanding and support. To those who have not come across the study of energies; how male and female energies are, I shall elaborate a little here. The "male energy" so to speak, is more of the logical end of the mind where facts matter most while the "female energy" is wired directly to the heart where feelings and emotions rule. With a combination of both energies, it forms a balance in a relationship, be it between friends or partners.

Having a guy as a best friend has taught me a whole lot. While everything has its respective pros and cons, having a masculine best friend allows me to be grounded. For the very simple reason that he will never, ever fuel or create any gossips with me. Plus, when I have problems arising, he would simply lay out solutions in a line instead of weeping and whining over it with me. Please don't get me wrong, girl friends are equally as important as a confidant, but I am merely laying out the reasons why having a guy best friend isn't wrong as many see it to be.

There will be a whole lot of teasing, speculation, accusations and what not; but after some time, everything will gradually die off on its own like withering leaves in autumn, simply because we don't react to it. So what if other people talks about it? So what if everyone thinks we having something going on? Fact is, no one would know anything better than us ourselves. Plus, who are they to dictate what we should and should not do with our lives? I mean, who your friends are is your choice. Whether a guy or a girl, what has it got to do with anyone else but yourself?

In a society with stigmatic beliefs and perspectives, it is relatively tough to do something that not everyone does. It is always a challenge to be a black duck amongst the whites, yet, the effort of being your true self is always worth it. Nothing beats having to live your life as you would have it be. After all, it is your years to enjoy, not anyone else's. Choose your friends, and so be it. Isolate everyone else's views if you have to, but don't shut them out. Stay true to your feelings, stay strong to your will, and you thrive well.

Having a guy friend and a boyfriend is worlds apart. A guy friend like Marvin is honestly straight forward. He speaks his thoughts out loud with no hesitation whatsoever. He doesn't see the need to beat around the bush when providing me a listening ear and advices. It is brutal honesty, but most of the time, that is what we lack most in our society. Why sugar coat words when you can safe time and offer honest words? Does it really help rephrasing words to make an issue sound less bad, or an opinion less ruthless? Reality is as real as it is.

So there are all these questions about how a pair of best friends can be so cosy and yet not romantically linked, my answer is simple; they care for each other enough to show it in action, do you? The freedom of expression in our society is relatively low in exposure. So is the freedom of speech. Simply because not many practices it, does it mean it shouldn't be done? Of course not. However, it is because a cosy friendship isn't always commonly seen, so, when one emerges out in the open, it tends to be talked about and criticised. A society that criticises the unfamiliar; is that what we are?

A remarkable friendship that has been around for over seven years and counting, Marvin is almost as good as family now. He attends family functions, he joins us for birthdays, he comes for dinners with relatives; he is just always there. Typically, aunties and uncles are bound to ask and almost assume that he is my boyfriend, and why am I not surprised. It took them a couple of years to finally understand that he is a really good friend, and will always be. That is it. It was not something tough to swallow, it just was not normal, hence the length of time taken to really accept the situation as such.

I have shared so many experiences with him that it is almost impossible to list down. This much I will say; he is a truly good friend. As his profile says, he is a simple guy. He is honest, down-to-earth and a downright Mr. Nice Guy. I have never seen anything that angered him to a point of exploding, probably it is because he has a superbly high level of tolerance, but point is, I love having him around as a buddy. For someone who would cycle to Summit from USJ 5 with me standing on the back stand of the bicycle with my hands on his shoulder, he is truly a testimony of what good friends are made of.

With all that has been said, I sincerely hope that pairs of friends that stand as opposite genders be looked upon as similarly as any ordinary pairs of friends. Every friendship is special in its own ways, every friendship carries varying lessons for both parties, and every friendship teaches everyone around of love, care and shared joy. Although we still get random questions from hawker stall owners asking, "Your girlfriend ah?" when we go out together, the seven years have taught us the art of laughing it off. The two of us know what we know best - ourselves. Hence, we live as we are, love as we are, and care as we are.

To all friends out there, this one's for you.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Support.

2010-11-23T18:00:00.000-08:00

The man who deserves every medal and trophy I have won; Daddy.

Right at the finish line after winning the 100m sprint.

5 medals from college's Sports Carnival.

Before writing this, I took a read at the 'Growing Up & Growing Out' post that I had written on 23rd October 2010. Sports have always been so much more than winning medals, earning praise and making friends; it has personally been a whole lot about support. Learning who my true friends are and realising how much love I have around me has always been a huge part of sports. To top it off, my family has always been a tremendous portrayal of what 'being there for each other' really means.

I have participated in athletic competitions since the age of 10. It has always been a joyous moment bringing home medals, no doubt; but the most blissful of all was crossing the finish line, knowing that throughout the entire race, people were cheering your name in support of your effort. It didn't matter if I won, it didn't matter if I did, what mattered most was that I ran the best I could.

Just last Saturday, the college's sports carnival finale was held at the MPPJ stadium - the exact stadium that held most of the athletic competitions I have participated in. It was a delightful nostalgia running on those tracks, knowing that I was once there and it had been a celebration. On the same morning, WJ had rehearsals for 'King of Pop the Musical' in KLPAC. It was staged later that night and Sunday afternoon. Hence, Daddy and Mummy struck a deal. Daddy attended the sports carnival with me while Mummy went with WJ for his rehearsal.

Daddy stood at the finish line of every race I ran that Saturday morning. Under the blazing Sun, he was there snapping photographs as I crossed the finish line first in the 100m race. He was there to hug me tight as I came in second in the 4x200m race. He was there to console me as I came a step behind the first in the 4x100m race. Nothing beats the feeling, really. If there is one thing I would label as priceless on top of everything else, it would be this feeling of being supported.

Be cautious.

Stay real.

I am absolutely grateful that I have both my parents around. Later that evening, our whole family attended 'King of Pop the Musical' in support of WJ the 12-year-old. He acted, he sang; he enjoyed the stage just as much as we enjoyed watching him in action. The one thing I appreciate most in our family is the ability of forgoing everything and anything else if it means we can be there for each other. Growing up in our household, these are few of the very many things that I am tremendously proud of;

1. No smoking

2. No gambling

3. No alcohol

4. No horror movies

5. Dinners together

To those who don't already know, the closest to horror that I have watched is 'Constantine'. That movie left me squinting, closing my eyes and ears. The movie 'Devil' almost had me shrieking too. Being my father and mother's daughter, I am glad to say that I was brought up in a rather happy surrounding, with happy movies and happy songs. Perhaps that is why I always seem to love Disney productions.

In case you missed it on Facebook, here is WJ the 12-year-old brother singing 'Ben' as Michael Jackson's imaginary friend, Mr Mouse in 'King of Pop the Musical' at KLPAC.

Loves,

Ee Ping

Catching Up.

2010-11-17T04:19:00.000-08:00

Li Jane, Yuan Ping, Emily.

(This is the only photo of the 3 of us on Facebook!

Only Li Jane is abroad by the way.)

Chien Teng.

Stephanie.

Mae Yeen.

Photographs are in sequential order of their return back to Malaysia;

Which I am so looking forward to!

Loves,

Ee Ping